


Everthing start with E.

by Jules235



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:33:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 27,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22907848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jules235/pseuds/Jules235
Summary: Jade lives in Boston. She has a job she loves, friends who would do anything for her, and an ever-present family. Love comes and goes, but it is only a matter of time to find the right person. She has everything you could want to say "I don't miss anything". And she really feels that way. Until she meets someone who upsets her life and all its certainties, making her understand that she was missing something essential. Someone whose name begins with E.
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

“Drill!”

The sharp, metallic sound filled the operating room, overtaking the rhythmic beep of the machines and the occasional chatter alternating with technical discussions. The first time Jade had taken a drill in her hand was in her second year of residency, her first solo surgery.  
Displaced fracture of the tibia. She recalled the hours she spent mentally repeating at every moment of the day, even the most unlikely, the important phases of the intervention: debridement, enlargement, removal, irrigation, washing and fixation. She had almost reached the point of answering with that sequence also to the bartender who asked her what she wanted for breakfast. Hours of symptoms from bipolar disorder, anxiety, uncertainties, sometimes even despair, and questions. Many questions.

Will I make it? What if my hand trembles? Can I stop before piercing the leg and the table? What if I faint? What if I forget something inside?

On top of that, her supervisor was Dr. Sam Parry, who later became chief of surgery. The least likely to instill peace and security, or so Jade thought. He was always one of those doctors who treated students and interns with detached distrust as if he had just picked up someone from the nearest construction site. But thank God on that occasion he had proven to be more reassuring than she had imagined and the surgery had passed as quiet and serene as a boat trip. This had meant that the memories of that day remained branded in her mind, every gesture, every sound, smell, sensation. It was what she had worked hard for all those years, especially in the past four before that day. Because you could not conduct a surgery as a first surgeon without having repeatedly demonstrated your skills. And“repeatedly” meant reciting at least ten times the names of muscles and tendons in anatomical order, attending the same surgery for at least fifteen to twenty times without opening your mouth, and then describing it in detail, including how many times you had to raise your head from the table. Once you proved your worth with a perfect surgery, the concern did not end there because you had to pray to all the gods in heaven that the patient would be discharged without complications. Otherwise, you would have heard your superior suggest you look for the cause in the mirror, and not everyone was able to overcome that moment of abysmal collapse of self-esteem. Luckily for her, she didn’t have to deal with that tragedy at her first surgery. Of course, it had happened, fortunately without serious consequences for the patient, but by then she had achieved sufficient confidence in her abilities and in her choice to become a surgeon. In fact, there had not been a moment in her life when she had a sudden revelation to the classic question “What do you want to do when you grow up?”.

Things had happened very naturally, the choice of prep school in medicine after high school had been made almost without having to think about it more than necessary. She grew up watching George Clooney perform miracles in an emergency room in Chicago, and that show opened a door to a world that until then had always seemed distant, unknown, something too difficult or at times disgusting. With time instead, she was more and more passionate until at a certain point she realized that her favorite scenes were those where there was real action, tubes, syringes, orders screamed, the urgency to save a life. And that she wasn’t really looking at George Clooney but Julianna Marguiles, but that was another point.

The famous “flash of gay inspiration” had not arrived with Julianna, she had only planted the seed of doubt and suspicion, but it was all gone into the background. Too many things to do, subjects to study, universities to choose, parties to crash, nights spent in the park in the moonlight and yellow streetlights with her group of losers. Then summer came, and Emily too. Emily, a celestial vision with red hair, sinuous like the delicate waves of a sea shaken by a fresh and pleasant breeze, sweet brown eyes, delicate nose and white and soft skin, to eat like cotton candy. And freckles. God, those freckles. In the beginning, neither of them understood what that deep friendship meant, so deep that they wanted to spend every moment of the day together. On the way from home to school, between classes, during lunch breaks, in the afternoons spent studying in a kitchen crossed by parents, siblings, dogs, friends of the siblings, and no one noticed those stolen looks and smiles between chapters, between a glass of Pepsi and a mouthful of chips. After several weeks of caresses disguised as comfort, friendship and laughter, they found themselves in Jade’s room, sitting on the bed on a Sunday afternoon reading the text that Ryan had sent Lisa, and that she had turned to Jade for mere gossip among friends. It wasn’t one of those days to remember, nothing special happened. The usual Sunday afternoon of any November, which went very slow between Halloween and Thanksgiving. It was cold and raining, and staying in the house all day was torture more or less similar to Professor Wheatley’s history lessons. The rain ticked gently on the window glass, the sounds of the house were muffled by the door while from the outside the only noise was the hiss of the passage of some solitary car on the wet asphalt. The radio was playing Quit playin' Games, it was the Backstreet Boys years and not a day went by without at least three of their songs being broadcast countless times. Jade and Emily were sitting with their backs on the wall. Close, very close. Their bodies caressed gently and drifted away like dancing feathers in a vortex of attraction. Then between laughter and laughter, they found themselves with their faces against each other. Jade could count all the freckles one by one, she could see the nuances of her eyes, the round and very thin eyelashes.

They stopped laughing. They stopped breathing.

They stood and looked as if they were trying to decipher a message encrypted in Aramaic for a time that seemed at the same time to fly and slow down. Eyes on lips, and on the eyes again. When it seemed that they would spend the rest of their lives looking at each other, the kiss sprang swifly, sweet and warm like a sip of hot chocolate after a day of cold wind and icy snow. What happened in the moments immediately following remained for a long time wrapped in a fog of excitement and romance. They had been kissing each other for a while, slowly, as if they were trying not to break something very delicate. When they broke off, with much effort, they were both hot, red and breathless. Neither of them had the courage to talk and process what had just happened. It was the 90s, the only time there were talks in the family about gay was when there were unsophisticated comments, hidden behind the mask of irony, about the act of Congress “Don’t ask, don’t tell” and the one against homosexual marriage. It was totally out of the question that someone in the family was gay, and it was almost impossible to witness conversations that started with “Son, if by any chance you realize…” and ended with “I don’t care, I will always love you”. You grew up facing the avalanche of questions that followed a shocking event like a kiss with your best friend, long avoided, ignored as much as possible, but in vain. Jade remembered that the only words they had exchanged were“I have to go” and “Ok”, then Emily had left, probably a metaphoric reaction and not just physical or sentimental. She was actually running away from the shock rather than the kiss or her friend. The following days had been confusing, like having to face a maze blindfolded. At the beginning they acted as if nothing had happened, as if that day had been a dream, or a nightmare, depending on what feeling prevailed. They were both too busy trying to unravel the mess they had in their hands: suddenly after 16 years of existence when you thought you knew yourself and knew everything about you, who you are, what you like, who you like, what you want from life, actually what you see reflected in the mirror is a complete stranger. And the questions were banging into the brain like someone poured a bucket of glass balls in it, noisy and moving constantly.

Yeah? No? Maybe? Better not.

Unfortunately, neither of them at that time had the tools to deal with it, and they were so afraid of everything that would involve starting a relationship that they forgot about it. Or rather, they pretended with one another that what had happened meant nothing, it was just an impulse dictated by the euphoria of the moment. They continued to be good friends and to share everything, but remaining at a safe physical distance. After the kiss they chose selective amnesia to simply turn off the light on something that at that moment in their life could not be, for a thousand reasons. School years went by, college and life drove them away. They remained in contact for some time, then even that slowly vanished like footprints on the sand that at each wave becomes more and more faded.

University had been completely different. New city, new friends, new interests, new acquaintances, new windows on so many worlds that until then had remained hidden behind the high enclosure that a small town built around the life of teenagers who lived there. Then she had finally been able to explore freely and without any fear that side of herself that had kept well-closed, with an explosion of euphoria that had led to live one story after another, some difficult, others romantic, others very very very passionate, others who had all that and even more. But none had ever gone beyond the threshold of a light relationship. The excuse was the classic “I have not yet met the right person”, which closed any attempt to analyze the situation. And so she found herself at the age of 38 still alone, without the glimmer of a stable relationship, and with the specter of the “old single auntie” who began to glimpse herself in the distance. But that was a thought reserved for the darkest moments, for most of the time she tried to think of what she had: a fantastic career that she loved and that pushed her every day to give the best and to improve herself, some hobbies that engaged her in the rare moments of freedom, a family that even from far and not always in a very expansive way showed every day to be always present for her, two nephews she loved madly and friends who would give their lives for her, and her for them.

One of them was at that time right in front of her on the other side of the table, wrapped in scrub, mask, cap and gloves. All you could see were the bright, brown eyes like a ten-year-old boy who will surely get into some trouble at any moment. Chris Bennett at first glance could seem normal: brown eyes and hair, physically fit but not excessively. An ordinary man close to forty, of that beauty that does not punch you immediately, but that digs you in minute by minute if you had the opportunity to know him better. His most important feature was a strong character. His not excessive and never flaunted self-confidence, a joke always ready, and above all the ability to demonstrate at any time his closeness and total availability to the people he loved made him one of those friends not to be missed. They met when Jade moved from the Penn Presbyterian Medical Center in Philadelphia to the Boston Medical Center three years earlier. Since he was an orthopedic surgeon and she was a trauma surgeon, their paths often and willingly crossed. The beginning had not been the best, they had had some clashes on some cases due to the stubbornness and boldness of both, but with time things thankfully had smoothed, a little bit because they both knew that a bad relationship would make their working life hell, a little bit because they started to know each other better. Now affection was so strong that the devil himself would not separate them. Of course, the clashes were always there but they were never heavy or lasting. A bit like the bickering between brother and sister, at that moment you would strangle the other but after a short time it was all forgotten.

"If there were no witnesses, I’d kill you right now," Chris was busy fixing the plate to the tibia with the screws, but he looked up to Jade for a moment to make sure she got the message. A small chuckle came from the nurse next to them, knowing the two of them well she knew when they were joking. As soon as the surgery had given signs of positive conclusion he had begun to ask her friend, in a twisted and enigmatic way considering the presence of the audience, what happened with her last love conquest. It ended like the all the others: completely useless.

“The feeling is mutual” replied Jade dry, but the only visible thing on her face, namely her eyes, implied that there was a note of irony in that.

“I would like to know what was wrong.”

“You would like to, but you won’t. Hammer.” Jade beat the second screw, then they all froze. “Shoot.” 

“I will not judge, I swear, I will only give advice.” said Chris, while they were waiting for the technician to finish the X-ray.

Hammering again. “Giving advice is not a bit judging? Shoot.” 

“It’s the first time I hear such bull.”

“Yes, well...you are telling someone that his choices are not good and it would be better to follow your way of seeing things.” She raised her head again to look at him and emphasize the message. She would not change her mind.

“If you saw me making an absolutely and undeniably wrong choice, wouldn’t you tell me anything?”

“I already do, and you peacefully ignore me.” The eyes tightened, she was smiling broadly. She knew that he would get the message. She was referring to his chronic need to run away from the word “marriage”, despite Jade’s attempts to explain to him that his poor girlfriend was a saint and what was he waiting for to marry her?

She did not give him time to replicate, turned to look at the X-rays and explained something to the students before continuing the operation. Just as he was about to reply, the door opened with a hiss and a nurse entered the room, stopping after a few steps. No one seemed to notice her presence.

“Doctor, you’re needed in the emergency room.” Only at that moment Jade looked at her. “A shooting is coming.”

“If you are here I imagine that there is nobody else available.”

The woman made a grimace followed by a quick “Sorry” and went out without adding anything else.

“You are not escaping this.” informed Chris, taking the tools from Jade’s hands.

She giggled. “You are a torture. I can leave you, right?” 

“I hope to succeed, but I have these fantastic students with me, they will help me.” The boys weren’t sure it was a joke, but they flashed shy smiles when Dr. Bennett looked at them one by one, apparently smiling. 

“Stop scaring them. See you.”

Jade came out of the room and took off the protections, and then she started to wash quickly as she looked into the room through the glass. She loved Chris. She would have thrown herself into the fire for him. But lately, he’d been pushing her too hard about her choices. Of course he did it for her own good, but their ideas of what the best future was at the time were very different, as was their personal situation. He was in a stable relationship with Jasminder, an extraordinarily beautiful Indian-born cardiothoracic surgeon, from before Jade even arrived in Boston. They were the classic romantic comedy couple, simply perfect together, supported by a love so strong and sure that they didn’t need big gestures to go on despite the dangers of everyday life. They had different interests, they were not suffocating, they supported each other unconditionally, and if they had a discussion, they would give themselves time to process it before they could talk about it again and solve it. A couples therapist would have paid gold for having them as a living example in his study. But despite this, Chris did not really consider the idea of marriage. As a matter of fact, even living together wasn’t on the table at the time. Not because he wasn’t sure of his feelings or feared a sudden incompatibility of character, he simply didn’t think about it. He was like that, until he was fine with everything, he didn’t see the need to change things. From the top of his stable relationship he tried in every way to provide one to Jade and put an end to her constant and often unhealthy need to never stand still and jump from one relationship to another. Chris had the feeling that his friend was stirred up by a deep anxiety that he couldn’t name. She seemed to love the idea of love, the first moments of knowledge, the glances, the first light touches, the first weeks of a whirlwind of feelings. Occasionally some relationship would last for a few months, but at some point something would make her break up almost suddenly. Sometimes she blamed the always valid excuse in these situations, the incompatibility of character, many others instead she had to deal with women a little bit tough. After some back and forth the moment came when she finally ended the relationship of the moment, returned to her quiet life for some time and then found herself in the same situation. “You are a lunatic magnet” it had been the dry and punctual comment of Jasminder. To a superficial observation it might seem like one of those women going from one relationship to another just for the sake of doing it, but Chris knew it wasn’t like that. He was sure that she also wanted something serious, but it was as if she was left in the middle of the Istanbul market to look for a spice never heard before and without knowing Turkish.

When she opened the emergency room door she was hit by something familiar, like coming home for the Christmas holidays. As she approached the desk she looked around trying to record as much detail in her mind as possible. The pits were not very crowded, some students were visiting less serious patients supported by a nurse or a resident. In one of the rooms there was a small crowd working frantically but neatly around someone. The waiting room was only half full, some stood, many sat, others walked nervously. The usual scenes, yet every day different, every day slightly distinct sensations that left something in her heart to carry forever.

“Dr. Davies, finally!” 

Nurse Reyes was waiting for her with the gown in her hand and a kind and amused expression.

Jade felt her lips lift slightly in a small smile: she loved her work.


	2. Chapter 2

The best time of the day had started a few minutes before but it was already going in the wrong way. At lunchtime the hospital canteen was immersed in a chaos of voices, smells and people walking around with the tray in their hands. Jade loved eating there because it took her back to high school and college. After a morning of work, sitting down with your friends and relaxing while talking about anything was a more than helpful outlet to continue the day. Actually some days the conversations around those tables had a level of maturity very similar to that of teenagers. The agenda varied between four subjects: who was with whom, who had hit on whom, who had been rejected by whom, and who would be married first. Talks about work were reduced to the bare essentials and only when they couldn’t help it.

That day Jade had started lunch alone and had taken the opportunity to start reading an article on her phone from the Journal of Trauma Surgery: arthroscopic stabilization of anteroinferior instability of the shoulder with purse-string technique. Or rather, she wanted to. She had not even reached the end of the first paragraph when Jasminder sat next to her. 

“Who are you stalking?” she asked ironically.

“I never stalk.” she answered turning off the phone.

Jas giggled. “No, of course not. You just gather information for the sake of anthropology.” She looked at her tray as if she had not been the one to choose what to eat. That day she had opted for a Caesar salad with grilled chicken. She had learned early on that the simpler the dish, the more chances there were that it was edible. She preferred to cook something at home and heat it up in the staff room, but she didn’t always have the time.

They began to talk about unimportant things and kept far away from too personal speeches. Jade admired Jas and loved her like she was the sister she never had. She always knew when the time was right to talk about serious things, and when her friend needed to be distracted by simple, casual talk. Daughter of Indian parents who emigrated to the United States in the 60s, she had grown up receiving at the beginning a traditional education that led her to be elegant and discreet as a princess straight out of an English novel of the eight century.

When the time of adolescence had arrived, the interaction with the boys and the American culture had added a touch of cockiness that occasionally peeped between banters. She had an extraordinary character: she never commented out of place, she gave advice without crossing the line of confidence if not authorized to do so, but was always ready to give you a shake if necessary. As if this perfection was not enough, her beauty was devastating. Brown hair long and smooth with hazelnut shades, a look so intense that it was difficult not to remain hypnotized and delicate and refined features made her face so beautiful that the only word that came to mind looking at it was “stunning”.

Even more shocking was the fact that Jas didn’t need a lot of care to be attractive, and yet she never behaved like those women who knew they had all eyes on them. She moved as if she were walking alone in a flowery park on a spring day, pretty and charming as a camellia in a meadow, unaware that those around her are simple daisies. And finally, the Indian dishes she cooked were pure ecstasy of flavors. Jade always told Chris how lucky he was, in words more appropriate and closer to the man’s jargon, and did not miss an opportunity to gently push him to put a “forever” to their relationship.

When she saw him zigzagging through the crowd with his tray, one look was enough to know what was about to happen. The operation had been over for about three hours but she was sure that the subject of which they had spoken was about to be resumed. It was clear from Chris' enormous smile, and it wasn’t aimed at his fiancée.

“Girls.” he greeted them cheerfully, sitting next to Jade to be closer to her and give her no relief. They reciprocated the greeting as he passed his pudding to Jas. It was one of those simple gestures made with absolute nonchalance that made you realize how much they loved each other. He began to fork the salad and took the first bite, then turned to Jade and stared at her with a calm but intense look, almost amused.

“How did the operation go?” She bit her tongue but it was too late. She realized she had served him the opportunity to talk about it on a silver plate.

“He’ll be as good as new. Except for the iron in the leg.”

“He should be happy to still have a leg.” remarked Jas, while focusing on the loot brought by her boyfriend.

“Yes, sometimes you don’t appreciate what you have until you lose it.” Chris was still watching Jade, who after a while sighed.

“Ok, go on, tell me everything you have inside. Get it off your chest.”

“Finally. What I want to know is….” Chris left the cutlery and put a hand on the arm of his friend. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Until a few hours ago the question was ‘what’s wrong with HER’....”

“I was trying to be kind. Maybe you know her better than me...well….you surely do” he laughed and in response Jade rolled her eyes while Jasminder shook her head slightly holding back a smile.

He was hinting to some very informal meetings she had with the person in question. “Feeling attraction to someone is very different from building something together”

“You’re right, but how do you know she couldn’t be the right one? You haven’t shared much until now.”

“Yes, it must mean something.”

“Yes, you didn’t give her a chance. Take time to get to know her, do something together, go to…. I don’t know...”

“I know where you could go.” Elegantly veiled insult. Jas laughed between one bite and the other.

“I have two tickets, do you want to come with me?” In certain situations she could not get angry with him, she only had to look at that bold expression to begin to give in. “Come on, why are you not convinced? Did she do something awful?”

The look on his face made her realize that he was thinking of something serious. “No no no, absolutely not.”

“So what then?”

“I don’t know, there’s something I’m not sure about. There is good compatibility but the idea of starting a serious relationship with her makes me want to turn around and run away as far as possible. It’s a feeling, and I can’t force myself to feel something for her that’s not there.” She shrugged her shoulders and looked away at the plate, as she began to play with a piece of bread.

Chris and Jas looked at each other, and she gave him a sign to let it go

“You’re right, sorry. I didn’t want to insist. I just want you to be happy.”

“Thank you. But I don’t think I will with- ”; she looked up and stopped suddenly. “Ellie!!” Her breathing stopped. She was just a few steps behind Chris, and Jas hadn’t noticed anything because she was checking her phone. She hoped with all her might that she hadn't heard anything of what they were saying, or that at least the floor under her chair would crack open and make her disappear to avoid having to refuse an invitation.

“Hello.” Ellie used the most loving and joyful tone she had. Then she smiled at Jas, who in the meantime had raised her head and, having seen what was going on, had almost widened her eyes. Chris had turned slightly to greet her, with the same face as a child caught teasing the teacher. “Sorry to interrupt…” All three responded at the same time with various phrases of courtesy, as they tried to disguise surprise and discomfort. “Sorry to cancel breakfast this morning but I was called in for an emergency.”

“Don’t worry, I can understand.” Jade was struggling to smile as convincingly as possible, but after a few seconds of looking at her she stopped trying and got lost in those languid brown eyes and that sweet and clever smile. Then she found herself thinking that she wanted to plunge her face again into her long brown hair, so wavy and so soft. “We will find a way to try again”. She said suddenly. It was as if her mouth had spoken without asking her permission. Chris turned to look at her confused. She looked at him for a second without being remotely impressed by what he was trying to tell her. “Tonight?”

“See you at Habana?”

That’s all they said. Ellie took a few steps back and continued to look at her intensely as she smiled, Jade just sat there gawping. She held that expression for a while, then went back to look at her friends and snapped back to reality. They were staring at her astonished.

A few seconds passed before Jas spoke again. “What the hell happened?”

“I….” She shrugged her shoulders distracting herself again with the bread she was playing with earlier. “I don’t... I said it out of the blue without thinking.” She gave the impression that she had no idea why she had responded in that way and left an open door for Ellie. No one answered her. It was a reaction so distant from what was being said two seconds before that she couldn’t explain what it was that made her do it. Jade sighed. “It was an instinctive reaction."

“What are you going to do now?” asked Jasminder with a gentle and almost protective tone. The uncertainty on Jade’s face was the answer. “Well, if it was instinct, clear your mind and try to follow it without thinking about what happens next. If you are still not convinced, you can end it, no one’s pointing a gun at you. And Ellie seems like a very civilized and intelligent person, I think she will understand and accept this without too much drama.”

Jade felt relieved. Maybe Jas was right and her bad feelings were due to all the failed relationships in the past. On the other hand Ellie was really an angel who came down to earth: loving, beautiful, balanced and respectful. And the attraction they felt for each other was hard to ignore. It had been a long time since she felt this way about a woman, yet she couldn’t figure out what was keeping her from moving on. Ellie hadn’t pushed to make it serious yet, but her affection for Jade was growing day after day. All her behaviors made it clear that she wasn’t looking for something casual like “friends with benefits”. Sooner or later, she would ask for something more, and Jade had to figure out how she felt about her and decide before it happened. She decided to listen to the advice of her friend and live for a few days without expectations or concerns. And especially to ignore the little voice in her head that kept repeating ‘Don’t do it’.

“I think that is good advice.” she finally said as she stood up.

“You don’t seem very convinced.” Chris knew her better than her mother did.

“I don’t have much choice. I have to work on this indecision and the only way to do this is to keep seeing her.” She smiled slightly then took the tray. “Thanks for the advice.” The smile expanded. “See you.”

When she was far enough away, Chris turned to his partner. “She should go around with an instruction book hanging around her neck.”

“Stop” giggled Jas. “She is torn, I think she is only afraid of everything that has happened to her so far. You have to admit she is very unlucky"

“I want her to be happy.” he repeated, looking again in the direction where his friend had gone off with a melancholy expression.

“She will be, you’ll see. With our help.”

The complicit smile they exchanged was immediate. Whatever she wanted to do with her life they would support her, the only important thing for them was that she was really happy and they would not allow a different ending at all.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

The noises of the city hit Jade as soon as the sliding door of the ER opened in front of her. The ambulance yard was animated even though it was late at night. A bunch of nurses and janitors were arguing loudly in the corner about baseball, judging by the words she could pick up. A rescue team was busy cleaning an ambulance, while another was taking a patient inside with Dr Miller, too busy asking questions about the condition of the injured to notice her. She arrived at Albany Street and looked up to the sky. It was a clear evening, the few clouds did not worry the moon that stood undisturbed in a corner, giving off its beautiful light despite the street lamps and the neon lights of the city. After a day of unbearable heat the temperature had lowered and the light wind from the East carried the smell of the sea up to there. Jade had never lived near the sea before arriving in Boston so she had never had the pleasure to smell the saltiness, feel the sand under her feet, hear the sound of the waves that takes away every thought and not even the luck of being able to go to the beach every time she felt the need. A family relationship had been created with the sea, now she felt she could not do without it. It had witnessed many events since she moved in, as if it was a brother, sister, best friend, the first person you went to to tell that something important happened. It was sometimes the only witness. It had seen Jade’s face furrowed by all kinds of emotions: anger, sadness, restlessness, indecision, fear, happiness, uncontrollable joy. It had accepted everything without judgment, made it her own,had swallowed useless or sad things and with the next wave that shattered on the sand it had returned those to keep in her heart.

What she was going through was just one of those times when she thought “I need to go to the beach”. The situation with Ellie risked sending her to the loony bin and she couldn’t find a way to deal with it calmly and lucidly. That girl had become her weakness and she could not understand either why or how she felt inside herself that she had to stop. Maybe understand why it was quite simple: she was fantastic, in everything. Generous, with that effective but calm irony, understanding, selfless and above all very sweet. If after their first meeting someone had asked her to describe the character of Ellie the list would have been completely different. She was stubborn when working with her colleagues, when she was sure of her decisions there was no way to change her mind, and sometimes she could seem unreachable, detached, almost cold. Then she saw her with a patient and everything had changed. There was a pregnant woman who had a car accident. The danger of placenta detachment was real. Jade called OB-GYN and she showed up. They had talked about the case for a few minutes, Ellie without looking at her face asking questions with the usual imperturbability - or so it seemed to Jade, she had later learned that she was trying to keep a certain distance because being close to her had an effect not suited to the work environment. Then she approached the patient and for a few minutes Jade had seen what was behind that beautiful but apparently inaccessible woman. She was loving, caring, sensitive, answering every question with every possible detail and the same care she would take with her own relatives. After that day they began to get closer and closer, there had been some heavy flirting in various situations but they both seemed uncertain about who should take the first step, when, but especially if. Or maybe they were just enjoying that moment of euphoria where the tension grows more and more to the breaking point, which arrived on time. It was eight o'clock in the evening and they were going home, a few hours before they had seen each other from afar in the ER and had exchanged a look and a very eloquent smile. They crossed paths in the Trauma Unit corridor leading to the offices, the medical room and the on-call rooms. There was no one else besides them. They walked in opposite directions keeping their gaze fixed on each other’s eyes with a warm expression. Ellie had slowed down while Jade passed her with a mischievous smile. Then she felt a warm hand grasp her arm, drag her into one of the rooms and a moment later the door closing behind her back and Ellie pushing against her with her body, starting to kiss her gently but deeply. Their hands were moving impatiently to know every inch of the body they were stroking, tightening and clinging. Jade’s brain was drunk with all the sensations she was experiencing, the fruity scent of her hair, her soft, wet lips, the sound of her wheezing breath while kissing her like she was saving her life. They had detached after an endless time, remaining so close that their lips still touched, both with closed eyes, trying to catch their breath.

They hadn’t moved for several seconds.

“May we have a date now?”

Ellie talking against her lips made Jade smile. Her answer was another fervent and overwhelming kiss.

After that night they had seen each other a few times outside the hospital but there was never anything serious. Jade seemed to proceed cautiously, like she was walking into a minefield. She told herself she wanted to make sure Ellie was a special person, but she wasn’t really sure what she wanted, which is why she was so insecure about that relationship. When she turned right onto Melnea Cass Boulevard entering the tree-lined avenue of Cross Town Center, she began to feel something she hadn’t felt in years, like she was surrounded by four or five friends who each recommended something different and all at the same time. There were only a few feet to the restaurant, and she could already see the tables of dark gray wicker almost all occupied. But in the midst of dozens of unknown and blurred faces, she immediately distinguished that of Ellie, and all those voices in her head fell silent instantly. Her hair was untied slightly wavy, as if she had just returned from the beach, with a white blouse gently coming down from her breast on a pair of simple jeans that highlighted her delicate but sensual curves. All the sounds came muffled to Jade’s ears, the cars, the voices, the laughter, even the soft Caribbean music that spread on the sidewalk. She took a deep breath and as Ellie noticed her arrival, smiling lovingly, she left all her worries 20 steps behind her.

“Hey” The sound of Ellie’s voice was warm and enveloping. She put one hand on her hip and kissed her cheek a little longer than normal.

Jade felt her legs soft as jelly. “I’m sorry I’m late, something came up in Trauma.”

“Everything OK?”

“Yes, a somewhat complicated post-op, but nothing serious.”

They looked at each other for a few seconds without saying anything, but their eyes were saying a lot of things they didn’t have the courage to say to each other yet. They began to talk about how difficult it was to mentally disconnect from work and maintain an emotional safe distance from patients. They were interrupted by the waiter who came to take the orders: ensalada de pechuga con queso de cabra, for two. Jade took advantage of the moment when Ellie was having a few words with him to look around and take a deep breath. She had loved from the first day the atmosphere of that place, she had felt immediately in the family. There were large red umbrellas at each table, surrounded by strings of warm lights that created an artificial but wonderful starry sky above them, while other red lights projected their color onto the brick floor. The trees and the hedge that separated the sidewalk from the street helped create a "neighbor's garden" atmosphere, as well as cheerful conversations, laughter and music.

“About work….” She went back to look at Ellie who in the meantime had sent away the waiter. “What would you have done if you had not become a surgeon?”

Jade placed her chin on one hand and took on a thoughtful expression as she looked up. “This is a nice question... Because I never thought of anything other than medicine since high school.”

“Ok, then tell me all the jobs you could never do for even $1 million.”

“Well depends...per month or year?” replied with a smile.

Ellie laughed and Jade’s heart skipped a beat. “Let’s start with something lighter, say per year.”

She inhaled. “First of all, lawyer. I don’t have the right temper.”

“I don’t know, I should see you in surgery.”

Touchè. She realized that she was involuntarily smiling, and at that moment she found out that Ellie was making her feel at ease and that everything was going so naturally and comfortably that she forgot any doubt, concern, anxiety or fear.

Maybe I was thinking too much, she thought.

Ellie was responding to her smile with an affectionate, sweet and wonderful one, and all the pieces of the puzzle went in their place. From there on the evening continued smoothly, funny, lovable, relaxing and even sensual at certain moments, when after an ironic comment by Ellie on how long it took to get to that appointment, their hands searched for each other on the table. Their fingers played a little bit between them to intertwine, to let go and to seek each other again while they stared into each other’s eyes promising something that was becoming inevitable. They spent three wonderful and comfortable hours, Jade almost didn’t want to leave to let that moment continue forever. They made their way back to the hospital parking lot walking very close and continuing the light conversation they had made up to that moment. Traffic was down, so was the temperature. It was a cool and pleasant night, anticipating and promising another sparkling day of Boston spring. As they got closer to the goal, the words began to fade, and Jade felt the tension between them so clearly that she could almost see a magnet that drew them one to the other. When they got near her car, Ellie turned to her with a smile.

“Thank you for the evening.” Jade took a step towards her while staring into her eyes. “We should have done it much earlier.” she added softly.

Ellie peered at her deeply and intensely. It seemed as if she was not breathing. “Yeah.” she nodded, getting even closer. “We should have.” were the only words that came out of her mouth, as if her brain had pulled the plug and was busy grabbing as many sensations as possible. She put her hand on Jade’s cheek, and the kiss that followed was sweet and delicate, as if she was touching her with petals. Then Ellie put her other hand on her face and pushed with her tongue on her lips to look for hers.

When she found it, the passion started to get too strong, and after a few seconds Jade pulled away to catch her breath.

She felt Ellie’s breath as she whispered “Come with me?”

She had her eyes closed and her forehead against Ellie’s. Her hands were still on both cheeks, and Jade was taking deep breaths and she knew Ellie was peering at her because she felt her gaze go straight to her heart. It took Jade a second to find the answer.

She nodded a first time. She breathed in. Then she nodded again and again, while without opening her eyes she pushed her towards the car.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

The pale light of the sun came directly on the bed filtered by the curtains, which fluttered gently in the light breeze of dawn. The open window let in the noises of the city that was starting to lazily wake up. The sheet gently covered Ellie’s body, leaning softly on each curve. Her eyes opened slowly and unwittingly towards the clear sky. She stared at it motionless while the rest of her body woke up and her mind returned to the past night. She closed her eyes for a moment and smiled at all the memories that surfaced, and at the sensations that she had felt while Jade kissed her, caressed her, tightened her, first tenderly then more and more passionate, almost hungry for her body. She opened her eyes and turned to the other side of the bed to look for her.

It was empty.


	3. Chapter 3

The case review room was one of Jade’s favorite places in the entire hospital. A row of computers on both sides of the room and a large rectangular table in the center were the only furniture present, in addition to the big monitors on the opposite side of the door. Often it was empty, but the presence of other occupants did not compromise its peace, because they were always too busy reviewing X-rays, CT scans and files to make small talk. It was the ideal environment to relax, focus on work and sometimes hide. Like that day. 

She arrived at the hospital around 6:00 a.m., and took refuge in there to try not to think about the night before, but she couldn’t. She could not deny that she was attracted to Ellie, she had tried for some time and yet she could not help but give in, as if her body and her heart wanted one thing and her mind wanted another one. The night before she had committed to enjoying the moment leaving aside thoughts and worries, and Ellie had helped her a lot with her spontaneous calm and friendliness. It hadn't been difficult at all to slip into a pleasant intimacy, and talk and laugh with her about anything. From there it had been even easier to switch to holding hands and looking at each other as if there was nobody around. When they arrived in the parking lot, she couldn’t help but surrender to what she was feeling. She was the one who took a step towards Ellie. An automatic movement, as if she was attracted by a feeling that had increased throughout the evening and that felt the physical need to indulge. Once they entered Ellie’s apartment they had not even waited for the door to close behind them to begin another frantic and hungry kiss. They had undressed along the corridor impatient and eager to touch and feel the warmth of their bodies melting together. It had been passionate, spasmodic, overwhelming and at times hopelessly uncontrollable.

In the end Ellie had surrendered to fatigue. She had not slept a wink. 

She had spent several minutes looking at the ceiling trying to catch her breath. Then she got up and walked around the room a bit, occasionally glancing at Ellie's body, abandoned on the bed as if a wave had gently dragged her there after a stormy night at sea. Finally she had curled up on the small armchair by the window, hoping that the peace of the night could calm her.

In the building on the other side of the road there was only one window from which a faint light came, and a shadow hidden from the curtains was probably sitting still at a table. The road sent the same feeling of inertia. She had seen a boy walking with his head bent towards the phone. Twenty minutes later, a man came home so tired he had difficulty climbing the steps to the front door. Almost one more hour had passed when a woman had walked the road turning to look over her shoulder every three steps. For every passing person she had tried to guess what that person was doing and what his or her life was: why were they around at that time of night? Was there anyone at home waiting for them? Were they happy? 

That last question had begun to roar in her head.

It was almost three in the morning when Jade had suddenly gotten up and after dressing as quietly as possible she had left the apartment without turning one last time to Ellie.

The vibration of the phone brought her back to the present. She peered at it for a few moments as if she was looking at an unknown and potentially dangerous animal. Seconds passed, then she decided to take it.

_ Good morning. You left early this morning. Why didn’t you wake me? See you later? _

She continued to stare at the message by rereading it several times. 

Then she put down the phone without answering and went back to work sighing deeply.

  
  


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The morning had passed with the usual work routine: meeting for the shift change at eight, round visits and a consult in the emergency room. She had briefly crossed paths with Chris, but luckily he didn’t have time to ask her any questions. She never texted Ellie again. She knew that sooner or later she would have to, what happened the night before was a point of no return. She couldn’t pretend forever that nothing had happened, she was sure Ellie wouldn’t do it, and she was afraid to see her pop up any time soon. Fortunately, the time had come to do some surgeries, and she would not be finished until late in the afternoon. She was preparing for the first case, a man with a pancreatic transection after a helicopter crash, by starting to wear her colourful flower cap, something between 70s design and a psychedelic flowery trip. Very colorful and cheerful. It didn’t always reflect Jade’s mood, but she liked to think wearing it would make her day better, like a vaccination against bad thoughts. 

Jade was sitting on one of the benches looking around. The lobby, separated from the operating rooms by an automatic glass door, was teeming with doctors and nurses. Some of them were chatting in front of the board with the agenda of the surgeries, others were alone by the counter checking something on the tablets. She heard the exit doors open for the umpteenth time with a hiss, but she didn’t notice it until she saw Ellie approaching with a smile. She tried not to widen her eyes or look alarmed, but she couldn’t smile. 

“Hey.” Ellie sat down next to her and started putting on her overshoes. She was also supposed to operate. “Everything all right?”

“Yes.” Jade answered a little too quickly and with a high tone. “Sorry if I didn’t answer the message but…” she kept things vague gesturing around her.

“I know, I know. I saw on the board that you have an operation before me and wanted to say hi.” Sweet smile. Jade felt the urgent need to get up, as if someone was pricking her with pins. She breathed in and hinted at a smile. “Are you sure everything is fine?” Ellie added.

In that instant she cursed her inability to hide her feelings so she nodded to try and seem as reassuring as possible. “I have to go.” She looked at her intensely for a while in an attempt to pass on the message - fake - that she wasn’t running away and to decipher Ellie’s expression. 

“Later.” she answered. Then she bit her lower lip smiling barely.

_ Yeah, it worked. _

She walked away to the O.R., holding her breath.

When the doors closed behind her, Ellie dropped her smile.

  
  


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Jade’s fingers moved on the keyboard at the same speed as her thoughts, stopping every now and then when she had to think about what to write. She was compiling files and reports of the surgeries she had done in the afternoon, concentrating despite all the people of the Trauma ward moving around her. Kylie, a nurse, was sitting next to her, reviewing something on papers and respectful enough of other people’s work to not disturb her with idle chatter, except at the beginning of the conversation to avoid being too rude. Two other nurses moved between rooms, and the sound of their voices and that of the patients came mixed with moving carts, telephones, doors opened and closed . 

Visiting hours were about to begin, so soon the horde of relatives would arrive to ruin the peace of the department and her concentration. 

Jade stopped for a moment and relaxed on the chair looking around. She felt the tiredness swooping down on her like an iron dress dropped from above. She closed her eyes and massaged her head, and only then she realized that she was tired because her brain had been struggling all day to keep certain thoughts away while simultaneously doing her job. She felt exhausted as if she had tried to go against the tide with one oar while the other hand was busy closing a hole in the bottom of the boat. She opened her eyes and placed her head on a hand, and stared off into space as she moved the chair left and right.

She didn’t notice that Kylie gave her a curious look.

She was trying so hard to understand why she felt that way, but every time she thought about Ellie and their relationship her brain fell silent and empty. She strove to find a clue, a crumb, the end of the thread that would take her out of the maze and that was still escaping her.

“Long day?” The nurse had spoken so gently that it seemed there was someone asleep near them. Despite this Jade jumped slightly. She answered her with a smile so Kylie went on. “Be thankful you don’t have three children waiting for you at home.” 

Jade giggled. “The real work has not yet begun, right?” From the first days she had wanted to establish with the rest of the staff an informal relationship of confidence, friendship, almost familiarity. She knew how important it was to have good relations with the people working with her, and thankfully almost all of them had turned out to be wonderful. To feel like a family with them had happened spontaneously. Kylie was one of those with whom she immediately established a confidential relationship, as if they had known each other for a long time. She was in her late thirties too, the light brown hair and facial features reflected the enormous sweetness of her character.

“God bless them, but there are days when I would like to lock them up somewhere and leave them for at least twenty four hours.” She closed one folder and opened another. “If anyone hears me, they would call social services.

“Don’t worry, I will testify in your defense.” 

“Thanks doctor. I knew all those donuts would help.”

Jade turned with the chair in a flash. “When will you make them again? Please, I could kill for the cinnamon ones.” She said with the tone of a child that asks his mother to eat more cookies before bed time. She had to pull herself together because she could drool right there.

“And what about the ones with espresso and salted caramel?” replied Kylie, winking in her direction. Jade gave a groan that made her laugh “I will try to make them again in the next few days”

“Thank you.” The grateful expression made Kylie laugh even more. 

“You’re talking about food, aren’t you?” 

“Yes, I was doing my best performance to convince her to make donuts.” Jade had turned to her friend with the same happy face as a child on Christmas morning.

“Oooh yes! Please let me know when, but don’t spread the word too much. This is for Dr Finlay”. She handed a folder to Kylie and leaned on the counter puffing. “Finally it’s over. What are you still doing here? You’re not coming to Habana?” Jade stared at her for so long that it seemed she hadn’t heard the question. She was going to ask her again when Jade’s phone rang and distracted her. She saw her turn on the screen and read something with a frowning expression. She waited a few seconds before calling her back. “Jade?”

She raised her head in a flash, but it was a little while before she remembered that she had been asked a question, and especially what it was. “No. I still have something to do and…. I’m starting to get a headache.” 

Jas looked her in the eyes. She felt something was wrong, she could almost see the wheels of that fantastic brain swirling in front of her. “Is there something you want to talk about?”

At that moment Kylie, sensitive as always, got up taking some folders in her arms and moving away to give them the opportunity to speak calmly. Jade followed her with her eyes thinking that for once she would have preferred the nurse not to be so delicate. 

“Jade!” Jas drew her attention by knocking with two fingers on the counter. "It's not mandatory to tell me everything, but don't tell me lies, I know you too well."

She had forgotten she had Miss “I Read your mind” in front of her. A sigh, and then she finally said with a feeble smile: “I don’t want to talk about it now, I’m sorry. I’m very tired.” 

Jasminder realized that that last sentence was metaphoric, but she respected her friend’s decision. “All right. You know that I am here any time. Don’t make me beg you, as always. See you tomorrow morning.”

“Yes. Thank you Jas.” she stretched out a hand to her friend, who accepted the gesture of affection and held it strong.

Jas was so good at making her feel better that when she left Jade regretted for a moment to have refused both offers. But she had not managed to overcome that latent panic that the message she received just before had triggered in her. She took the phone and read it again:

_ See you tonight?  _

Three words.

She clicked on “Reply” and stood staring at the blinking cursor.


	4. Chapter 4

The intriguing voice of Dua Lipa and the disco house rhythm of Don’t Start Now was just what it took to give the day some energy. The Boston morning traffic was almost unbearable as usual, scenes of ordinary madness followed each other at every traffic light. Luckily, there were only a few dozen yards to go to Boston Medical, and in any case Jade was not used to losing her temper behind the wheel, especially when the sun had not yet fully risen. Furthermore, that morning the layer of clouds that covered the whole sky contributed to making the mood not really snappy. The temperature had suddenly dropped in the night, and the threat of a spring storm was very real. Jade snorted and checked herself in the mirror while she was waiting for the green light

Yes, the dark circles were covered, but there was no make up that would hide her dull gaze.

She peered into her eyes as if she had the image of a stranger in front of her and wanted to try to understand what was behind that discomfort she had felt for a few days.

A sudden and penetrating horn awakened her from her reflections, mixing with the notes of the song like a hand scratching a blackboard.

“Got it, one sec, gosh.”

While changing lanes to go to the hospital parking lot, Jade pondered that that horn could very well be a metaphor for her life. Or a sign that fate was sending her, like “Stop admiring yourself in the mirror, wake up, look around, life moves on and you stay still”. That thought made her more depressed. She had never been good with courage or self-esteem except for things about medicine. If she could have handled the Ellie issue as a surgery, it would have been a lot easier.

She parked in one of the last free spots and turned off the engine. She realized that her brain had expressed that thought using the words “Ellie issue” and “surgery”, as if everything that was going on was a disease, and knew that she had a big problem. Knowing a person and starting to date shouldn’t have made you think of something potentially deadly. Although that night when they had sex there was a time when she actually felt like her soul was abandoning her body because of the pleasure, but that was another point, and she hurried to kick it away by shaking her head.

As she stepped out of the car, she thought maybe that was the right strategy. Take advantage of what was good in that situation and let the rest come to itself. Or not. If things hadn’t gone well, she might have said she’d at least tried.

_ No no no no no, I can’t do this to her. Ellie doesn’t want just sex. _

The rational part of her had spoken. She knew very well that Ellie wanted something serious, they hadn’t said it clearly yet, of course, but she’d bet a salary on it. If she only wanted to get into her bed, she wouldn't have waited all that time before kissing her. She had been understanding and patient, and had taken all the time to get to know her and make herself known. Nothing she did could make Jade think she wasn't serious.

At that point an alarming question peeped among the other thousand that were agitating in her mind: what if she really was serious, like “cohabitation as soon as possible” serious? She would certainly not have been the first to make that proposal after a few months - once it had happened to Jade after a few weeks - of knowledge. 

“Good morning!”

Jade almost jumped in fear. She automatically turned to the voice and found Ellie in front of her. Beautiful as a ray of sunshine, although the sky was covered, with a smile so sweet to melt even the hardest of hearts. Ellie came over and before she got the use of the word back, she gave her a little kiss on the lips. Then gave her a cup of Dunkin Donuts. “I got you coffee.”

“Thank you.” She looked at the cup for a while as if it contained all the secrets of the universe. She couldn’t help but smile and kiss her on the cheek. 

“Did you sleep well?”

Had she noticed the dark circles? “Like a child.” She automatically resumed walking towards the entrance of the emergency room. She remembered what she had responded to the invitation of the night before and tried to find an explanation to cling to her rejection. “Perhaps it is spring, but in this period I am more tired than usual.”

“Maybe it’s simply because you’re working harder?”

Jade didn’t miss the meaning of that sentence. All the previous day she had done nothing but avoid her, and she had used the same tactic between the first kiss and the appointment two days before. “Perhaps you are right, but I need a salary to live.” she replied with a smile.

“Yes, unfortunately so.” Her tone had changed, she was not as light and carefree as before. 

Jade felt a shiver down her spine and felt the urgent need to end the conversation and walk away. “And speaking of work, I have to run. I left one of the students to follow a post surgery, I have to make sure he’s still alive.” She turned to her and put a hand on her back. “Thanks again for the coffee.” she stepped up and walked away without saying anything else.

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The Trauma staff room had become the scene of another attempted escape by Jade. Although what she said to herself was different, that day she decided to have lunch there alone so she would avoid accidentally running into Ellie at the cafeteria.

She managed to get in there with the same stealth as Catherine Zeta Jones in Entrapment, looking for less populated corridors and carefully avoiding to pass in front of the department’s reception. She had not responded to the messages from neither Chris nor Jas who asked her if they would meet at lunch, but it was not a problem because it often happened that they did not meet. If she could, she would’ve locked the door and barricaded it with the couch. She was determined to spend half an hour of calm and tranquility without thinking about anything other than her spelt, salmon, cheese, walnuts and apples salad. And the article the students submitted to her, but that was a minor detail.

She was confident she could do it, even though she knew that choosing that room was risky. Originally intended only for trauma doctors, it had become over time the medical room of the emergency room and those who worked around it, for various reasons. It was the largest of those available on the ground floor, and it stood exactly between the two departments. The arrival of a sofa and a fully equipped kitchen had prompted executives to make it accessible to all the departments on that floor, and to add lockers for doctors. 

All this meant that Jade was in danger of seeing a group of colleagues enter at any moment. Come to think of it, it was a miracle no one had arrived yet.

At that precise moment the door opened, but Jade did not look up from the papers she was reading.

“Looking for some calm?”

As soon as she heard the voice, her blood froze in her veins and she felt like she was chewing quick-setting cement.

_ When are you gonna stop sneaking up on me?  _

“Hey…. Yes, I had to unwind and…. read the student article.” She gave her a smile that she didn't return.

Ellie slowly approached the table with an indecipherable expression on her face and stopped right in front of her. “Sorry to bother you.” she said instead.

“No trouble, this is more than enough.” Jade waved the papers and then let them slide away from her.

“Are you sure?” Ellie’s voice was emotionless.

“What do you mean?” she asked confused. Jade was beginning to have a feeling of impending catastrophe, but getting up and leaving in that situation would have been too obvious. She was sitting in the back of the room, behind her was just the big window to the courtyard, and Ellie was right between her and the door. If in the previous days she had managed to conceal her escapes with plausible excuses, in this case she could not have done so. Anyway, she wouldn't be able to get out of her chair because she felt that her legs were heavy as bricks.

“You’ve been avoiding me for two days.” The answer came dry and sharp 

Jade couldn’t help but sigh, she was starting to feel shortness of breath. “I’m not avoiding you…” she tried to explain. The much-feared conversation had finally arrived, and the outcome was obvious. 

Ellie suddenly changed her attitude and tone. “Look, I don’t want to be obsessive, believe me, there’s nothing further from my mind, but we’re both adults and I think we can handle a little honesty.”

“I’m not avoiding you, I just needed to-”

“Distance yourself?”

“Can you let me finish?” It was all going wrong. “I just needed time to think about what happened and ask myself what I want.”

Ellie seemed to think for a moment. “Ok.” She nodded slowly. “And when you find out you plan to tell me or I will know because you won’t talk to me anymore?

“We slept together ONCE, can we go slower or do you want to get married tomorrow?”

“This is not the time for humor, I don't think I’m asking too much. To tell the truth, I didn't ask you anything because you didn't give me the chance, you ran away as soon as you saw me."

She went silent for a second because she didn’t know what excuse to make, and Ellie took the opportunity to continue. “It’s exactly the same thing that happened before we kissed, well, before I kissed you. And you did it again after that kiss. What exactly are you running from, what dangers do you see in me?"

“I don’t know! That’s what I’m trying to figure out if you’d leave me alone.” Jade wanted to keep a calm tone, but Ellie could push all the wrong buttons at the same time and short-circuit her calmness.

“You just wanted to sleep with me, didn’t you?

That sudden phrase had the same effect as a slap. Jade stared at her angry and hurt, trying to control the breath that was starting to accelerate. Then she picked up her things and left the room like a hurricane.

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“Finally!” Chris’s hands suddenly fell on Jade’s shoulders, making her almost spill the coffee she had in the cup and causing a small heart attack. “My soul mate!”

Jade turned to him. “Chris!” She scolded him.

“Don’t worry, Cardiology is not so far away.” They dodged the small crowd gathered in the hospital cafeteria and headed towards the staff room. “And taking you by surprise was the only way not to let you run away.” Jade started sipping coffee looking at him sideways. “Where have you been these days?

“Working, and you?” she asked him with an ironic smile.

“I wanted to, but I was busy digging out my friend from the cave where she had holed herself up.”

“Why do you always have to be so melodramatic? We met for lunch the other day ... and for that triple accident. "

“We haven't talked for more than two minutes in four days. What are you up to?"

“Absolutely nothing.” It was the truth. Ever since she had that argument with Ellie she had holed up in her own little world. It was as if that last sentence had sucked all her emotional and mental energy. She had neither wanted to see nor hear from anyone. She had avoided contact with any person as much as possible, limiting them to what was strictly necessary, and had not lived a social life. She kept her distance from Chris and Jas, too, even though they hadn’t asked her about Ellie yet. But Jade knew that they sensed something, and she was aware that they didn’t deserve to be treated that way. 

“Well this is a shame because that date seemed promising.”

They went into the staff room so Jade had some time to think of an answer. She left the half full cup on the table and headed towards the locker, where she began to prepare. She put the green coat over the colorful shirt and started collecting stethoscope, pens and pager. At that point Chris realized the answer wasn’t coming, so he started talking again. “You have to get over it, you’re too transparent for me. I see it from miles away that you are going through a horrible time. If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine…. I mean, it would be good for you…” He leaned on the back of the sofa. “But I don’t want to put pressure on you. I just want to make you feel better. And the only way I know is to be here for you and let you relax a little... SO...tonight we’ll go somewhere to drown our thoughts, right?”

Jade finished getting dressed and slowly locked her locker. She had the expression of someone who was thinking thoroughly about some laws of nuclear astrophysics, but when she turned to look at him her face softened. Smiled. “Ok.” was her only response, but there was much more in that word. Everything that Jade couldn’t express but that Chris knew anyway.

“Great.” Chris stood again but did not approach. He knew her too well, and he knew that in certain situations it was better not to get close and not touch her so as not to trigger any emotional reactions, which she didn't need to start the day. “Prepare to call Uber because you won’t be able to drive the car at the end of the evening!” he added instead, making the gesture of shooting her and offering her a big smile that opened her heart.

When he left the room, Jade stood there thinking about how lucky she was to have Chris and Jas. They had helped her in all difficult situations, knowing full well how much and when to insist, without ever backing away, not even in the face of her attempts, conscious or not, to get away from everyone. It was as if they could read her mind and her heart better than she could. And in a confusing and messy situation like the one she was experiencing, the only right thing to do was to rely on them. She decided that that evening she would just have fun with them and recharge her batteries, but in the following days she would entrust her salvation once again to her two guardian angels.

  
  


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The glasses tinkled gently, illuminated by the yellow and dim lights of the pub, making the amber liquid and the foam above it sway. Jade, Chris and Jas sipped the beers at the same time and took a few seconds to savor them. They were bitter at the right point, full-bodied and very fresh. It was like diving from a boat into the cold sea on a sultry day in July. 

“I have been waiting all day for this moment” Chris said. The girls confirmed by nodding. “Honey, when we retire we will open our own brewery. What do you think?”

The conversation began to flow calmly, as it always did when they spent an evening together. They talked about any topic that arose spontaneously, but that night Chris and Jasminder seemed particularly careful to avoid certain topics. Jade watched them arguing ironically with each other and they were so sweet that it was impossible not to smile and not to love them. She leaned on the chair and relaxed letting herself be submerged by everything that surrounded her. She had discovered the J.J. Foley pub on the evening they had taken her to have a drink to welcome her, and from that moment on it became the meeting point, along with Dona Habana and The Grille for breakfast. It was not a very large pub, but the atmosphere was so well thought out of that when you entered you had the impression that you had been teleported directly to Ireland. The dark wooden counter stretched out in front of the door, it was the place where one would usually sit alone or to watch something on the TV hanging high over the bottles, usually a baseball game. In the hall the low tables were leaning against the walls, also made of dark wood, while the higher ones were in the centre and around the columns. The soft light and low music were the final touch, along with the green hats of the waiters, the Guinness and the slight Irish accent of the owners. Jade looked around while her friends continued in their ironic play. That night the place was full because the outside patio was unusable because of the rain, and a baseball game and a birthday - or something like that - had made the final contribution. The noise of chatter and laughter filled the room and along with the music created a concert of cheerfulness and a carefree attitude. Plus, it was a Friday, so a lot of people could be carefree. 

Jade turned her head slowly to get an overview of the club, a movement she did not normally do, but that night she felt so peaceful, relaxed and in love with Boston that she allowed herself a moment to enjoy that scene. Or maybe fate just decided to get going.

In the crowd of unknown faces she suddenly saw something familiar. She stopped with the glass halfway between the table and her lips, like an animal that had seen it’s prey. Or the predator?

She waited for a couple of people to move out of her sight and held her breath. After an infinitely long time they finally did, and suddenly all the sounds around her became muffled. 

It was her.

Their eyes met, and it was as if the rest of the world stood still, waiting to see what they would do. Jade heard Chris' voice calling in the distance, but she couldn’t move. She stopped breathing and her brain was empty. She saw Ellie give her an angry look and then various expressions cross her face as she turned her back, then stared at her again, with a silent but so deep sigh that Jade managed to see her shoulders rise and fall even from so far away. 

She couldn’t see the people who were with her because they were hidden by the column, so she didn’t know if they were aware of what was going on or who she was looking at.

“Jade!” Chris put a hand on her arm to snap her out of it. She blinked a couple of times but did not make any other movements, remaining fixed to look at Ellie from the other side of the room. “What’s going on?”

She was about to answer him when she saw Ellie start walking towards them. They hadn’t seen or heard from each other since they had that fight in the staff room, and Jade’s brain had refused to think about it anymore, as a form of defense from something that was hurting her. She didn’t have time to think about what to say because she came by their table in a heartbeat.

Chris and Jas cheerfully greeted her in a vain attempt to lighten the mood because, although they did not know exactly what had happened, the tension was so high that it was impossible not to feel it. Ellie greeted them looking at them for the bare minimum, then turned to Jade - who still had the glass in the air - and said: “Can I talk to you?” The tone was calm but there was a hint of anger. She did not move from there until she saw Jade put the glass down, then she turned and began to walk towards the restroom, trusting that she would follow her. They worked their way up between men who were passionate about the game, college students and waiters. Suddenly someone stepped back and bumped into Jade, who caught a glimpse of a woman with black hair and two green eyes apologizing to her with a sorry smile. She answered with a quick smile as she tried to close the gap with Ellie.

The scented air welcomed them as soon as they opened the door to enter a room of sparkling and tiled floors, a wall of immaculate mirrors and polished stainless steel taps on pristine sinks. The doors to the three bathroom stalls were closed and Ellie leaned over to make sure no one was there. Jade stopped in the middle of the room watching her every move without saying a word. She watched her pull herself up and turn to her but staying away. Something about Ellie’s attitude, her expression and her movements gave her the impression that she didn’t want to get close because she was too angry and didn’t want to risk feelings taking control.

They looked at each other in silence. The room was unbearably quiet, apart from the muffled sounds coming from the pub and the rain on the asphalt that came in from the small open window, a few inches from the ceiling. 

Ellie kept staring at her with a frown. Her chest movement showed deep breaths, probably she was trying to contain all the feelings, whatever they were. Then she took one step forward and started talking.

"There was a moment the other day when I convinced myself that I should apologize for what I said. Then I thought about it. And I realized that I don’t need to, because I’m right. Am I not? It was your game from the beginning, you flirted and then you pulled back. So you were safe, right? Leaving me to always take the first step your conscience would’ve been clean. All those stories about figuring out what you want and taking it easy was just bullshit, wasn’t it? God! It’s the oldest game in the world and I fell for it like a fool. Why me? What did I do to you? Maybe I wasn’t kind? Did I stand in your way in the hospital? What did it cost you to be honest from the beginning and say 'I’m sorry, I don’t want a relationship now'? Why did you have to hurt me like that? I hate you. Yeah, I hate you for treating me like this, like the first bitch you found in a bar that you wanted to fuck. And I hate you for making me feel what it’s like to have sex with you, because the worst part is, despite everything, I can’t stop thinking about you and that night, and I can’t help but want you again. I hate you, and I will hate you to my last breath because I didn’t deserve to be treated like this."

Jade didn’t move and didn’t answer. Dozens of different emotions passed through her eyes like a running train. She was angry, confused, hurt, upset and surprised. Her brain was on tilt, she felt the neurons on the edge of a short circuit. 

Then it all stopped. 

A moment later she walked the distance that separated them, took Ellie’s face in her hands and started to kiss her as if her life depended on it. Ellie didn’t even have time to be surprised because her body reacted instinctively by responding to the kiss. Their lips caressed and explored each other, their tongues fought as if they wanted to bind themselves to never lose again and their breathing began to drown out the noises. Jade pushed her to one of the stalls letting the door close after them and closing the lock without even looking at it, while with her body she held Ellie against one of the wooden walls and the kisses became more and more passionate, deep and wet. Ellie held her as if she did not want to let her run away, arching towards her because she could not resist the attraction, the warmth, the softness of their breasts squeezed one against the other. Jade moved her head just enough to whisper:

“Please don’t fall in love with me.”

She immediately resumed the kiss, her hands slid towards the jeans, unbuttoned them and slipped in with ease. Ellie gave a groan smothered by Jade’s lips over hers. Every touch and caress carried her more and more to ecstasy, her heart pulsated in her ears and she could barely breathe.

A door opened. 

Jade was quick to stop the kiss and put her other hand on Ellie’s mouth to keep her quiet, while the voices of two girls walked through the room accompanied for a few seconds by the music. They heard them enter the two toilets on the sides, the chatter going from one bathroom to another over their heads.

They had their foreheads pressed together, Jade staring at her hand on Ellie’s mouth, while the other one kept moving inside her more slowly and deeply. She felt that she was close, looked up at her eyes until she saw her squeezing them shut. Ellie’s breath slowed, so Jade calmly took her hand off her mouth and stared back at her lips as if hypnotized.

When the girls came out of the bathroom a few seconds later, her hand was still inside Ellie. 

They remained in that position for a while, completely out of strength. 

They did not dare to look each other in the eye. It was all still and silent. Only their breaths could be heard.


	5. Chapter 5

Sundays in the hospital usually passed quietly, unless it was a particular time, such as holidays or winter. During the spring, if the day was sunny and clear, everyone was busy sleeping, sunbathing or doing other less dangerous activities. So weekend shifts weren't seen as a tragedy. Usually.

On the other hand, Jade had immediately received a consult that day as soon as she set foot in the emergency room. Literally. She entered from the ambulance parking lot, greeted those who were working at the check-in and received a "The cavalry's here! Brawl between drunks with bottles. Trauma 1 and 2."

Three other nurses made a few jokes about the welcome that had been reserved for her, raising her spirits. She had spent the next hour taking care of both patients, after which she had managed to make a trip to the ward for shift change deliveries and a quick round. There were rarely post-operatives to follow on the weekend, but you had to check who had scheduled an operation in the following days to make sure everything was in order. She had just finished the round when she was called back to the ER for an accident. Five wounded arrived but fortunately no one had reported injuries to require her intervention. Only one of them seemed more serious, but not so much that she could not entrust it to the students for all the necessary exams. Everything was resolved in less than an hour.

"I chose the wrong weekend apparently." Jade sarcastically commented, returning to admitting. The emergency room was fairly quiet, the bays were not even half full. Obviously that was her day, two consults in two hours were a bad start.

"We didn’t even get to the middle of the morning, and if a good beginning bodes well..the best is yet to come." replied Nurse Reyes cheerfully.

"Thanks Mila, luckily you are here to cheer me up" she smiled. She started writing something on the tablet but her ears registered a familiar sound among all the others. She raised her head and looked around until she saw Ellie busy on a visit. The previous evening they had left the bathroom separately and each had gone their own way without speaking or looking at each other. They had been shocked by the intensity and passion of what had happened. Jade didn't even know if Ellie would speak to her again, and she still didn't have the courage to speak to her without first finding out if she was on shaky ground and understanding how much Ellie hated her, even if the words she had used left little room for doubt. At the time, not even Jade had a good opinion of herself, as if someone else had reacted that way. That lack of control over her emotions was why being close to Ellie panicked her.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of Jas, splendid and sunny as always. "Good morning and good Sunday, how's it going around here?" The nurses began a brief account of the intense start of the day, while she gave Jade a smile and stroked her on the shoulder. They should have had fun the night before, but when she had returned from the bathroom she looked so upset that it had been inevitable to talk about what had happened. Jade had told them about the relationship that was going on like a tornado destroying her sanity and that of Ellie little by little. She had said that she had tried in every way to understand what she was feeling, to clarify herself first and to control herself, but she had only managed to feel even more confused and to hurt Ellie. Jas and Chris had been saddened to see her so lost, and they couldn’t help but advise her to end it or at least take some time to calm things down, for the good of both. "Who was looking for me?" Jas asked Mila.

"OBGYN, bay 2."

At those words Jas and Jade looked at each other hesitantly. Meanwhile, a few feet away, Ellie had noticed the arrival of her consult, and after having debated for a long time whether to do it or not, she finally decided to go towards admitting. She approached slowly as if she was walking on glue. "Good morning," she looked at Jas for a moment, then she couldn't stop her eyes from looking for Jade's. "Woman at the 26th week." she added while still peering at her, as if she were the recipient of the consult. Then she finally turned to Jas. "Tachycardia and strongly dyspneic. Completely silent clinical history and perfect pregnancy so far". She kept glancing at Jade, she couldn't help looking at her. And surprisingly there was no anger, hatred or disgust in her gaze.

"Spirometry is normal," Jasminder commented, trying to maintain a neutral expression even though it was difficult not to notice what was going on.

"I know, but there is something that doesn't convince me. I would like your help with the protocol, I don't want to leave anything to chance."

"Sure." Jas raised her eyebrows in a surprised expression, as if she had suddenly remembered leaving the gas stove on at home. "Let me check a folder first and I'll be right there." She flashed away to the other side of the counter, leaving them alone. She had noticed that the looks that Jade and Ellie had exchanged had been less aggressive than she would have imagined. Her instincts told her that there was hope that those two would solve the problems or that they would at least end it by remaining on good terms. She took a tablet and pretended to use it while glancing at them. Their non-verbal communication was clear: there was some embarrassment but the attraction was too strong. They continued to scrutinize and look away, then Ellie touched her ear and Jade reacted - unconsciously - narrowing her mouth.

"Come on ... tell her something." Jas whispered, narrowing her eyes as if to send her a psychic message.

Jade was uncertain whether to speak or not, did not know how to break the ice or if it was too early. When her brain sensed that Ellie was about to leave, the words came out of her mouth once again without the slightest control on her part. "We should talk." Almost a whisper. Ellie stopped and finally didn’t look away from Jade, but did not answer. She seemed unsure whether to accept it or not, and who could blame her given what had happened the last time. "When you feel ready ..." Jade added to try to put her a little more at ease.

When she was about to lose hope, the answer finally came. "After lunch."

"Ok." she hurried to respond before she changed her mind.

"I'll text you."

At that precise moment, help from heaven prevented both of them from enduring the embarrassment of having to say goodbye. "Doctor Davies!"

A team of rescuers who had entered a few moments earlier passed quickly in front of the reception together with Drew and Mila. Jade instantly regained her composure and followed the stretcher to Trauma 1.

As soon as they were all inside, the usual operations began to move the wounded from the stretcher, while a paramedic started talking. “Woman, 36 years old, stab wound to the right upper quadrant, pressure 130 over 70, regular rhythm, saturation 98, was always conscious.”

The nurses took care of stripping her and connecting tubes and machinery. Jade felt that she was in pain, because she took short breaths with her mouth open and had her eyes closed and her brow furrowed. ”complete blood count, electrolytes, glycaemia, urea, blood type, haemogas, 1 litre ringer lactate.” She focused her attention on the wound by touching it gently to see how deep it was. “What’s her name?” 

"Eva Montreal."

"Eva, are you having trouble breathing?" she asked without distracting herself from the wound.

"A bit'." These were the only words that Jade heard, but they were enough to understand that she was lucid and above all that she tended to minimize the degree of pain she felt. 

Jade took the stethoscope and went to her chest to start auscultating. “Decreased breathing noises on the right. Oxygen. There was blood on the scene?” The sentences followed almost without pause, even if she tried every time to disguise the urgency so as not to upset those who were lying, half naked and surrounded by strangers watching and studying everything. At that time Jade was looking at every inch of that white-skinned body for more wounds.

“Few drops.”

“No left wound. Single right wound, no active bleeding. Let’s turn her.” They tried to move her as gently as possible, but the woman still gave a slight groan of pain. Jade’s experience took over. She knew that to distract her from pain there was only one way. “Eva, what happened? she asked her while her gloved hand groped her whole back. “No posterior injury.”

"I was talking to the patient ..." she began to explain and at those words, while bringing her back to the supine position, Jade jerked her head towards the rescuers and gave them a surprised look. "I didn't notice the knife, I don't know how it got there ..."

Jade was still looking at the paramedics as if they had just cursed. One of them finally took courage and replied: "She is a psychiatrist, it happened at the Mental Health Center."

"And you didn't think to tell me before ??" No answer came and she realized that it was her tone, which had suddenly become stronger. She strove to bring it back to normal as she said "Why didn't they take her to Beth Israel? It's right in front of it! "

"They had the emergency room full with a rear-end collision." Rescuers thought it was the right time to disappear, so they went out carrying the stretcher away.

"Yes, they sent some of them here." Mila added.

Jade remembered the consult that had ended just before and the five wounded. She thought for a few moments of the luck that had assisted that woman. If the wound had been more serious, things would have gone very differently. She empathized with the patient, something that was recommended to be done with some caution, so she went back to talk to reassure her. "Doctor Montreal, I'm Doctor Davies, this is Boston Memorial."

"Eva is fine."

She turned her gaze to the woman's still closed eyes and when she opened them she found herself in front of two intense blue pools, as clear as the crystalline waters of the Caribbean Sea. A shy weak smile pursed her faded lips, and she couldn't help smiling too. She heard a little bell ringing in her brain in the distance, but she pushed the sensation away by touching her abdomen again: "How much does this hurt from one to ten?"

"Eight."

“Ok.” Jade moved her hands to the patient’s legs to evaluate the extremities. “Distal heartbeat present. Let’s do chest, abdomen and lateral x-rays. And prepare FAST..” There was only one wound and the trajectory did not suggest spinal damage. In addition, the paramedics had not fitted her with a collar, so the absence of obvious symptoms made the next move safe. “Eva, we need to sit you down to do the X-rays. Do you think you’re pregnant?” Eva shook her head with a half smile. Jade recorded that expression but didn’t give it much thought. “Try to stay still.”

Eva nodded. The nurses lifted up the stretcher and all wore protection against the rays. While they were waiting for the exam to be concluded, Jade noticed that Eva was looking at her with a strange expression. She couldn’t tell if she was thoughtful, suffering or affected. Or maybe all three? She did not have time to find an answer because after the X-ray the nurses placed her down again, removing her face from Jade’s sight. She went back to take care of her by taking the portable ultrasound and starting to pass it over the heart. But she realized that something was wrong, because the girl had closed her eyes again. “Everything all right?”

“My back hurts. Between the shoulder blades.”

Jade gave Drew an alarmed and fleeting glance. "We're almost done." she said in the most neutral tone she managed to use.

"Will you at least suture me up?" Another weak smile.

Jade barely stifled a chuckle. "Yes, don't worry. We will send you home like new." It was the first time that it had happened that the patient calmed the doctor and not vice versa. "FAST negative." 

"Doctor, the X Rays."

She left the ultrasound to Mila and walked away to see the results. It only took a second. "Look at the diaphragmatic outline." she said in a low voice.

"Should I book an OR?"

"No ...She is stable and there are no signs of imminent danger. Take her to Traumatology, we’ll monitor her every two hours to exclude wounds to the hollow organs, I will do a laparoscopy tomorrow morning. "

As she approached the bed with the most reassuring expression possible, Eva asked her "What's going on?" She was a doctor. She knew how certain things worked.

“The tests indicate a probable diaphragm injury, but there seem to be no major injury to internal organs. We will keep you under observation for a day to be sure, and tomorrow we will have a laparoscopy to repair the damage. "

"Ok." she nodded.

Jade looked at her more closely and understood that Eva was less calm than she wanted to show others and herself. She followed her instinct and gently put a hand on her shoulder. "It went well." That small gesture seemed to relax the woman for a second, but she didn't smile. "I'll come later to see how it goes."

"Thank you." she simply said.

Jade left the room, taking off her gloves and protective coat. Now that the adrenaline of first aid was starting to wane, the brain brought back that strange sensation that it had felt the first time they looked at each other. Maybe it had been those clear but deep eyes, she had felt like she had been pierced by a laser. At that moment, however, her mind was crowded with so many thoughts that she refused to give meaning to those feelings.

()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

Five hours later Jade was walking down one corridor after another, one hall after another, one elevator after another, to reach ObGyn. Ellie had sent her a message asking to join her in the ward around 2pm. She did not agree much on that choice, she would have preferred a more discreet and less crowded place to be able to speak calmly. But maybe being alone in the same room would have created even more discomfort. She still had no idea what to say to her, where to start, much less how to do it, but she felt the need to do it. Ellie's words had carved a groove in her mind and heart that would take a long time to close. That night she had been unable to sleep, she continued to hear Ellie's voice repeat those words again and again, and she had before her eyes constantly the images of what had happened next, the kisses, the hungry hands, the sighs, like a movie cut and mixed so badly as to cause discomfort. She wondered so many times during those hours if Ellie really thought what she had said, or if it had been an outburst due to the anger of being treated as something to be taken and left several times without thinking about it too much. To think that someone felt so bad as to feel hatred towards her was devastating for Jade, especially because hurting her was not in the plan. While overtaking hordes of doctors, nurses, relatives and orderlies, she felt all the fatigue that the situation was causing her. She had run out of energy to deal with it, and she also felt useless, incapable and angry with herself because she couldn’t handle something that should only bring positive feelings. She sensed something wrong with her that she couldn’t identify or handle. And it wasn’t right to drag another person into that mess. As much as she liked Ellie and she made Jade feel very strong feelings, she couldn’t keep hurting her. She had to let her go.

She opened the doors of ObGyn with a deep sigh. She was absolutely not ready to face that discussion, but she had to stop being immature and become an adult. She owed it mainly to Ellie. As she asked acceptance where she could find it, she realized that she was feeling a weight on her heart that was causing tears to rise. She wanted to cry at that moment: from the anger of having caused everything that had happened, from the displeasure of having hurt Ellie and because she felt lost and did not know how to find herself.

She swallowed and sought the strength to drive them back. She couldn't cry right now. The door to the exam-room was open and she began to hear noises coming from inside. The closer she got to the room, the slower her pace and her breathing became until she saw her and stopped breathing for a moment. Ellie was facing away from the door, she was cleaning the ultrasound with nervous movements.

Jade felt her forehead automatically frown in response to her feelings. She stood in the doorway in silence wishing to remain invisible for as long as possible.

She watched Ellie for a long time.

The remorse and anger left room for the desire to make up for it and make her feel better because Ellie did not deserve to feel this way. She had been so sweet and understanding with her that the least she could do was be honest. Ellie turned suddenly and was frozen to see her standing there.

Neither of them spoke for a while. They stared at each other with an apologetic and uncertain look, carrying in their eyes all the weight and emotion of what had happened in those days.

"Sorry if I made you come here." Ellie began in a soft tone.

Jade slowly shrugged. "I want you to be comfortable” she replied, and a second later regretted saying so. It was one thing to make her feel good, another was to go overboard with sweet words. It would only hurt her more. She cursed that part of her who couldn't stay away from Ellie or be sweet to her. She saw her tighten her lips and start moving around the room, arranging briefcases, gloves, whatever was near. She could not stand still, she was feeling anything but comfortable. Jade wanted to enter but did not move from the door so as not to put too much pressure on her. Which meant having to speak more quietly in order not to be heard by prying ears. “I'm sorry for what happened yesterday. I shouldn't have. " Ellie stopped in front of a cabinet with her back to her. "I almost ..." Jade couldn't say those words that had swirled in her brain for almost twenty-four hours.  _ I almost attacked you. _ "I disrespected you, I reacted regardless of what you were feeling at that moment and what you just told me."

_ "I hate you, and I will hate you until my last breath because I didn't deserve to be treated like this." _

Ellie turned to her. Her expression had changed. She was sorry. Her eyes were shiny and she sighed. Seeing her like this made Jade find the courage to say everything. She took two steps into the room and began to vent everything inside. Everything she should have said the night before but that had come out in a completely different guise.

“I never wanted to hurt you. I'm not like that, Ellie, you have to believe me. When I am with you I no longer recognize myself, I don't know who I am or what I want. And this lack of control over my feelings and actions scares me to death, it makes me do things I would never do. You have every reason to hate me and I'm not here to ask for your forgiveness. I just wanted you to know the truth. That was me at dinner that evening. I really felt what I said and did, I didn't just want to sleep with you. But I don't know how to handle this ... tide of mixed emotions that you make me feel. It is not fair to drag you into all this, you deserve to feel good. I can't do that right now. And believe me, you don't know how sorry I am, how much I would like to be. But the only way to make you feel good is to stay away from you."

She stopped and let out a breath as if she had been underwater. She waited for a response or reaction but did not get one. She slowly shook her head to apologize once again, then turned to leave. She heard footsteps near her and felt Ellie's hand take her arm, as she did when they had shared their first kiss. But this time she hugged her tight. It was her way of forgiving her. And maybe even to say goodbye.

And for once she was the one who left.

  
  


()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()

  
  


It should have been a working Sunday like any other, passed between the few emergencies, no operations and a lot of bureaucracy. Slow as the wait for summer. Moreover, on weekends there was less staff and the one present was busy doing double work, so there were few opportunities to chat. Instead she had spent the morning in the emergency room for one emergency after another, then had that discussion with Ellie that had left her emotionally destroyed and had spent most of the afternoon doing emergency operations. Around three o'clock an acute appendicitis had arrived, followed closely by one of the Traumatology patients who had thought well of developing an abdominal abscess treatable only with laparotomy.

Jade returned to the ward massaging her neck. She suspected that physical fatigue was not the culprit. She knew she needed to let go of everything she had kept inside after talking to Ellie. Unfortunately, she often did not express emotions when it was time to do it and that took a toll on her body. Fortunately, the shift was almost over. There was only one thing left to do before going home to let off steam.

The sunlight was starting to weaken even though there were still two hours until sunset. The window curtains were half open and showed the trees in the rear parking lot. The treetops moved gently in the light breeze and the few clouds in the sky walked lazily eastward. Eva was sitting in bed with her face turned towards the window, admiring that relaxing image with a serene expression on her face. She sensed a presence out of the corner of her eye and as soon as she saw Jade a smile rose on her lips

"How are you?" Jade asked as she approached.

“I love painkillers. I guess I can't have a stronger dose? "

"No, I'm sorry." Jade smiled at her with mock displeasure and started checking the tablet. "The values are good ... saturation too. No sign of internal bleeding. Let's check you out. " She moved even closer towards her and slowly lowered the bed to bring her back to a completely supine position. As she put on her gloves she felt that feeling of being in a spotlight again, but this time she realized that it was not an unpleasant sensation. She lifted Eva's gown up to her ribs and inhaled. She began to palpate her abdomen gently, concentrating on what she was doing so as not to look at her because she knew very well that Eva was staring at her with that penetrating gaze. Then she realized, that seeing how that light and soft skin moved under her hands had hypnotized her. She looked at Eva to make sure she hadn't noticed. Eva had one side of her mouth raised in a half smile and an intense gaze.

"It’s all right," Eva answered that silent question. But it was as if she wasn't just referring to pain.

Jade took the stethoscope and warmed it a little in her hands, occasionally glancing at Eva. She didn't stop staring at her. She felt her heart skip a few beats, and blamed it on feeling observed, then took the bell with her right hand and slowly put it under the gown on Eva's chest.

The sound of her heart echoed in her ears. It was deep, enveloping, relaxing. That familiar rhythm she had felt millions of times during her career that day had a different effect on her. She saw it contract and relax in its perfection of movements in her mind and she felt enveloped by a sensation of warmth, and her own heart seemed to adapt to that rhythm. She suddenly realized that she was not breathing, and that she wanted to stay all day to listen to the sound of that heart in her ears. Jade shook herself by breathing deeply and blinking a few times, then moved her hand outward to the lungs. She could hear the dull sound produced by expanding and contracting, and at the same time Eva's breath gently blowing on her cheek, warm as the light wind of a summer evening. She looked for a moment into Eva’s eyes. They were always fixed on hers.

She cleared her throat and stood up, removing the stethoscope. "No change," she said. Then Jade covered her with the delicacy of a feather, as if she was afraid of breaking her. "We will have a laparoscopy tomorrow morning and if all goes well you will be home before the next weekend."

"In time for a beer." Eva replied softly with a mischievous smile.

Jade chuckled. "A little later maybe, but you deserve it."

"Hurray." She said that one word closing her eyes. She looked tired.

"Did they ask you for an emergency contact?"

"Yes, they called my brother, he’ll arrive tomorrow morning."

"You will have time to see him, we will not start before 11." Eva opened her eyes and thanked her, as she had done that morning in the emergency room, with a warm tone and a grateful expression. "I'll let you rest. See you tomorrow morning. "

"See you tomorrow."

Jade left the room and went to the reception desk with the feeling of having just woken up from a spell. She put the tablet down and closed her eyes, as someone who has just come down from a very fast ride on a roller coaster and has to recover their balance. She shook her head to push away what she was still feeling, but when she turned around she noticed that Eva was looking at her through the glass between the atrium. They stared at each other for a while, then Jade saw her slowly turn towards the window to continue admiring the trees.

Jade managed to look away only a few seconds later, and it took more time to recover all of her senses to move. She walked away from the counter towards the exit of the ward, with the sound of the beating of that heart still in her ears.


	6. Chapter 6

**Eva Montreal / Laparoscopy / 11.00 / OR 6 / H - Davies**

Jade continued to stare at those black letters, which stood out on the white board, as if they were written in another language, or as if she were a student thrown into the operating room without any preparation. Because oddly enough that was how she felt that morning. A simple laparoscopy, yet it was difficult to keep her heart at a calm pace and the breaths seemed to never bring enough air into her lungs. On her way back to the ward she couldn't help thinking about the last few hours. She had deluded herself that the events of the day before had not left a deep mark on her. She had spent a very agitated night, as had been happening very often in the last few weeks, and had woken up with the same mental confusion as someone suffering from a hangover. Her head felt light as if it were full of helium and floated sixteen feet above the ground. She regretted not having drunk anything the night before, at least she would have had a plausible excuse for feeling that way. She had tried to relax by drinking her coffee on the common terrace, while listening to the cheerful song of the birds that rang in the silence of the dawn. The sky seemed painted in pastel colors, blue, pink and yellow mixed together creating shades that were reflected on the sea. A vision that left her breathless. With each breath she breathed in the immensity she had before her eyes, the colors, the sounds of the port and the water, overwhelmed by all that beauty. Thoughts of Ellie had peeped into her mind. She was still upset by the events of the past two days, but she felt that the fog was slowly rising and everything was starting to clear. Then she had arrived at the hospital and the feelings of unease had started again, which she had promptly put aside thanks to the need to work and save lives. They had reappeared once in awhile when she let her guard down, but she reminded herself that it was still early and that everything would return to normal in a matter of time. Until she got to the operations board and read that name.

Eva Montreal.

At that moment she had realized. Yes, she had thought of Ellie and their relationship that ended badly, but in all the thoughts that had accompanied her from the day before there was an almost imperceptible but not ignorable background. It was the image of Eva, of her eyes, the sound of her heart. She brushed those thoughts away. Thinking about her that way was wrong for a million reasons, first and foremost because she was her patient, and it was the only thing she had to think about: healing her.

Arriving in traumatology, she took the tablet and looked towards her room. She heard a male voice but saw only one arm and part of the face. Black hair, dark complexion, tall. Eva was sitting in bed and smiling the whole time. Jade frowned. That scene caused her something that vaguely resembled annoyance, and she was so surprised by what she was feeling that she reacted by going to the room as if someone had kicked her.

Eva saw her before she even came in and followed her with her eyes until she got close to the bed.

"Good morning." Jade greeted Eva with an uncertain smile, that became imperceptibly more tense when she turned to the man standing to the left of the bed, confident and charming as if he had just come out of a photo shoot.

"Good morning. My brother, Lucas. "

Jade stifled a laugh by pressing hard on her lips as she held out a hand to him. She had forgotten that Eva had mentioned a brother the night before. They exchanged greetings and she looked at Eva and Lucas a couple of times with a confusedly amused expression. “Yes, we are completely different. Hair color is the only thing we have in common. " Eva had read her mind. "Well, not only that ..." she added, casting an accomplice glance at his brother, who seemed to understand immediately what she was referring to because he shook his head trying not to laugh.

Jade chose not to investigate and cleared her throat before starting to speak again: "The night went smooth , the values have not changed .... So we can go." She remembered that it was the first time she had seen a relative of Eva and that she had not yet disclosed all the facts, so she turned to Lucas: “Yesterday's tests indicate a suspected injury to the diaphragm. We will do a laparoscopy to find and repair the damage, and explore the abdomen to look for hidden wounds. All with three holes. If all goes well it will not last more than two hours. I know they've already explained everything to you for your consent. ” They confirmed. "Do you have any questions?"

"No, no, none." They had one sibling thing: they spoke simultaneously.

"Let's go then. See you in the operating room. "

Before leaving, she gave her last look and last smile to Eva. She returned to the reception and leaned against the counter like a castaway to a piece of wood in the middle of the sea, disoriented by what had happened before entering the room and while she was inside.

_ Stop it. You are imagining everything. She is your patient. _

She tried to repeat those sentences over and over all the way to the operating room and during the preparation, in the hope of convincing herself that it was all a reaction due to the Ellie situation. She had left her so shattered that she had clung to the first person who passed by showing her a little kindness. And a fantastic smile.

As soon as that thought entered her mind, she realized that she was rubbing the soap with a little too much enthusiasm. She tried to calm down, but it was a bit difficult when the object of her thoughts was on the other side of the glass, lying on a stretcher surrounded by nurses who were preparing her. Jade noticed that Eva occasionally glanced in her direction, and did not have a relaxed gaze. An operation is always an operation, plus what had happened to her had not been a joke, even if she seemed not to have suffered the blow. But Jade had caught something almost unnoticeable in her eyes, something Eva was trying to hide or keep as far away from herself as possible.

At that point she wondered if it was really possible to understand a patient so much after only one day. She decided it was better not to give an answer, so she finished washing and went into the room.

"Everything good?" she said as a nurse finished dressing her. Eva replied with a weak "Yes" and a delicate smile. She was clearly anxious. She approached her. "It is normal to be scared, but it will be fine, I promise you." She tried to instill courage, trust and support through the only thing Eva could see of her face, namely her eyes. Eva stared at her for a while as if she was trying to find something on the seabed while floating on the water. The smile that finally came was peaceful. She nodded softly. Jade couldn't take her gaze off Eva's clear eyes.

A few seconds later she sensed a movement by the anesthesiologist, then turned to him to give him the go. Operations began to put Eva to sleep, and Jade looked back at her until the nurses lifted the green sheet over her head.

"It’s a bit wacky as a promise." said the anesthesiologist when Eva had fallen asleep.

Jade stared at him. He was referring to promising Eva that it would be all right. They knew well that certain sentences were better left unsaid, the unexpected was always around the corner and above all too much security often and willingly had led to lackluster results. She couldn't answer him because she didn't know why she had done it, and it was no longer the time to ask uncomfortable questions.

She stopped to stare at those centimeters of skin in front of her. The abdomen raised imperceptibly with breathing, the wound was clearly visible, a gash as wide as her index finger. Silence fell suddenly in her mind.

She took a deep breath and held it.

_ One. _

_ Two. _

_ Three. _

_ Four. _

_ Five. _

She looked at the clock. "It's 11.24. Ten Blade."

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When the automatic doors opened it was like breathing again. Jade slumped onto one of the operating theater lobby benches and snorted. Not even two hours had passed but she felt as if she had done an eight-hour open heart operation. She ran a hand over her forehead and tried to regain some composure before going to talk to Lucas.

When she crossed the huge open waiting room that occupied a large part of that floor, she saw him walking slowly but nervously near the windows positioned on the opposite side. It looked like he was walking on eggshells. She approached trying not to look at other relatives waiting for news of loved ones. She didn't want to see worried or desperate faces. She tried to concentrate on her task and took on the most reassuring expression possible.

When she was a few steps away from him she widened her smile. "Everything went ok." Lucas let out a sigh of relief. "There were no other injuries other than the diaphragm. They will wait for her to wake up before bringing her back to the room, it will take half an hour. " She put her hand on his arm. "Get some fresh air."

"Thank you so much."

They exchanged a few more words about Eva's condition and what would happen next. Lucas took a little confidence thanks to the newfound calm, and Jade discovered that he was a really sweet and nice man. They talked for a moment about what had happened and the danger his sister had run into and it was as if they had known each other for years.

It was clear that he too needed to let off steam. Hiding feelings from others was evidently a family vice. He had made an effort to remain neutral and support Eva, and now he was relying on Jade to let go of all the stress he had held back so far. She did not have the courage to stop him, until he himself apologized for holding her back. They ended the conversation and then Jade left to go back to the ward.

  
  


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That feeling of euphoria that had affected her after the operation of Eva and the short conversation with Lucas didn’t last long. Lunch had been abruptly interrupted by an emergency that had upset the rest of the day. An accident involving two entire families had plunged everyone into anguish. She had to deal with two adults, the father of one and the mother of the other. The first had arrived in very serious condition and had to undergo an emergency laparotomy, during which at some point his life was in danger because of a wound so well hidden that Jade had taken forever to find it. He had ended up in intensive care, and the chances of him waking up were minimal. Mum number two, on the other hand, had to undergo a colectomy, but luckily they had managed to remove a small part of the intestine. It would have had no consequences. When she left the operating room she had to face all the after-effects of those two operations: the post-op, making reports, talking with families and finally the briefing with the surgeons who had treated the other injuries . It was at that moment that she discovered that one of Dad #1 children had died.

Seven years old.

She hadn't had time to think about it because mom #2 had a complication. So she had to go back to the operating room and this time she had to remove another piece of intestine and perform a colostomy. Luck continued to assist the woman: it would only be temporary. After another hour of work spent caring for the patients that were operated on the day before, that day finally came to an end. Only one visit remained.

Jade entered Eva's room as silent as a cat and stopped after a few steps. She was sleeping. Her still slightly pale face was turned towards the window, her chest slowly rose and fell moving the light sheets, her black hair lay on her shoulders forming sinuous waves. When she saw that relaxed expression Jade felt as if she had re-emerged after remaining hours underwater, as if her lungs were only breathing again at that moment. She felt her legs gradually lose strength, so she slowly stepped back towards the chair in the corner. She sat silently staring at that helpless but alive body.

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The blurred lights of the city appeared slowly. They were surrounded by something white, like a frame. Then came the noises. Steps in the corridor. Voices muffled in the distance.

The lights disappeared for a moment.

When Eva opened her eyes she managed to focus. It took her a moment to remember where she was.

The hospital window. The bed, the drainage tube, the IV.

She closed her eyes again and took a deep breath. Then frowned in pain. The painkillers had made her forget that she had been stabbed and underwent surgery. She looked back out the window. It was the first moment in two days when she had nothing to do or think about. The silence around her acted as a switch for flashbacks. The images of what had happened came suddenly. She remembered the feeling of the knife that entered her as if it had been butter, the screams of those who came to help, the warmth of blood on her hands, the fear.

She forced herself to breathe deeply to calm the anxiety that was beginning to emerge, as far as the sutures and pain allowed her to do. While she was counting the seconds of each breath, she seemed to hear an almost imperceptible noise coming from the other side of the room. She turned her head.

Jade was sitting in the armchair near the door. She was typing on the tablet, her fingers moving as fast and graceful as a pianist producing a slight ticking sound, and the light of the screen illuminated her face. The dimples she had noticed that morning were gone, the small and fleshy mouth was frowning in an adorable pout that slightly wrinkled her delicate nose. A tall, disheveled bun made a few locks of light brown hair fall, the golden reflections illuminated by the cold light of the tablet. The serious, thoughtful and concentrated expression would have deserved a photo. She could not see her eyes, but since she had seen them the day before they had been printed in her mind. They were of an amber color that took your breath away, especially when they turned green or gray depending on the light.

She was so beautiful that her heart physically ached and she felt short of breath. She tried to move as little as possible so as not to make noise and to have the opportunity to look at her a bit more.

Several minutes passed, then Jade suddenly looked up and saw her. Eva immediately smiled at her, amused by the fact that she had been caught red-handed.

"Sorry I woke you up." she told her. Obviously she seemed surprised.

Now she could see her eyes. The semi-darkness of the room made Eva discover another nuance. Now they were brown, deep and sweet as a chocolate cream. She couldn't control the tone of her voice as she softly replied "You didn't wake me up."

"How are you feeling?"

"Ask me tomorrow." she replied amused.

"Better than yesterday, I hope." Jade smiled.

_ Dimples! Finally! _

Eva felt her heart melt and her face relax "Yes." she managed to blather. For a moment she wished Jade thought it was all about the painkillers. But in reality her heart wanted exactly the opposite. "I haven't had a chance to thank you yet." She saw her shake her head and open her mouth to reply, but cut her off. "I know, it's your job. But you saved my life. "

"You were very lucky."

In an instant the images of those two days that she was trying so hard to let go came back to her. It took a few seconds to answer "I know."

Jade stared at her for a while, she seemed to be reflecting on something. Having that look pointed at her, intense and penetrating despite the penumbra, made her feel naked. After a while she saw her look away while inhaling deeply, as if she were working up the courage for something. "I'm sure I’m telling you something you already know, but you should talk to someone about it."

Those simple words triggered something in her mind, prompting her to think like a psychologist and not as a victim. In a few seconds she analyzed her reactions and behavior over the past two days, and understood. "I will do it." she finally said, while she was beginning to doubt her own professionalism.

Jade got up and went to the bed stopping in front of the window, right next to her hand. "Since we're on the subject ... the police passed by this afternoon, they wanted your statement. I sent them away with an excuse, they will come back tomorrow. At least you have time to prepare. "

"Thank you."

She nodded, then took a deep breath. "Let me check."

Eva had a slight sensation of deja vu. It was the same scene as the day before, but this time everything was different. She was different, her feelings. While Jade disinfected her hands, she saw in her head in a few seconds what had happened in twenty-four hours. She was invaded by a slight feeling of panic for realizing what she was feeling, and when she saw her move the sheet and lift the gown she unconsciously held her breath. Jade removed her bandages so gently that she almost didn’t notice, her warm fingers brushed against her skin, and Eva prayed that the shivers she felt inside her were not noticed. She looked at Jade’s hands exploring the skin around the wounds, then shifted attention to her face. She felt the need to understand what she was feeling, if those hesitations that she had also noticed the day before were the fruit of her imagination. She wanted to take advantage of the closeness to look at that wonderful mouth for as long as possible, as when you stand in front of the world’s most beautiful work of art and you can’t look away. You want to study every detail and memorize it, to bring it to mind at any time. She noticed that Jade had stopped to check the wound left by the knife, and was touching the bruise that had formed around it with hesitation, as if she were afraid of hurting her. Her eyes had grown even darker, and Eva peered curiously at them. Something was going on in there. She had never seen them like that, so dark, even when she had seen her alarmed look after checking her Xrays, even if she had tried to show tranquility.

She did not have time to understand what was going on behind those eyes because Jade covered her slowly and when she turned, her gaze was normal, alive, sweet. "All right. Tomorrow you will take your first steps and in two or three days you will be at home. For now, the only thing to do is rest. " She gave her a strange smile, then went to the tablet she had left at the other end of the bed to write something.

Eva understood that she was about to leave. She had to say something to make her stay, anything. "I made a beginner's mistake," she said quickly. Jade stopped writing and stared at her curiously. Eva was shocked by what she said. She didn’t know why, of all the things she could have said, her brain had chosen just that. It was as if Jade managed with a single glance to undress that part of her that she reserved for strangers and for social interactions, to discover the most intimate one. She couldn't believe what she was doing to her, how she was being pushed to say everything that went through her head. “Never turn your back. Especially to a patient who has violent behavior. " she continued, and she could have sworn she had heard the sound of the last brick of her facade falling.

Jade was silent. If she was amazed by that confession, she didn't show it. She remained calm and still, as if she didn't want to move so as not to break the spell. "Is this the first time this has happened?" she finally asked.

“No, I've already dealt with attacks, but never towards me. I always managed to handle them .... I don't know what happened this time, why I turned my back on him ... " The sentences started to flow quickly one after the other, she felt them slip away from her lips without having any control, like sand between fingers.

"Did he distract you?"

She shook her head. "No no."

"Was it the first meeting with him?"

The tone in which Jade spoke was so warm and calm that Eva forgot that they were in the hospital, that they were two strangers, and a doctor and patient. "Yes. I don't work there, they invited me for a training weekend. In addition to a few conferences, a consult for some patients was included. "

"But…." Jade stammered, unable to continue, almost shocked by that statement.

"They had already done the evaluation and some meetings with him, but they did not mention violent behavior."

"So? It wasn't your fault, you don't have a crystal ball ... "

"No, but there is a way of conducting the meetings that ..." She shook her head sighing and stopped. She could no longer continue, she hated to lose control of her emotions.

"Listen ..." Jade approached again returning to where she was before, near her hand. “I don't know the techniques of your job, but we surgeons also have procedures to follow, yet sometimes we do make mistakes, unfortunately. We are human. " Eva was still gathering thoughts. She didn't answer. "It was your first meeting with him and whoever had seen him before you noticed nothing." Pause. "Maybe you're a little too hard on yourself."

She could no longer hold her gaze, so she turned towards the door. Eva could not believe it. Jade had hit the mark. Her words were like a light in a cave, but the sense of guilt and shock were still too strong to think clearly, like a psychologist.

"Probably right now what I'm saying won't be comforting, but I hope it will help you to see things from another perspective." Jade had started talking again. Surely she had thought that Eva’s reaction was due to some negative sentiment towards her, for going too far with confidence.

"It helped me a lot instead." Eva immediately replied. She wanted to reassure her that the conversation was helping her to slowly get out of the darkness in which she had sunk two days before. She looked into her eyes intently again, and felt again the same feeling she had experienced before, as if the rest of the world was melting. It was just the two of them.

Jade took some time before talking again, but when she did, she surprised Eva even more. "Do you want to talk to a colleague?" she asked her in such a sweet and suffused tone that Eva was thankful she was already lying or she would have collapsed on the ground.

She felt tears rise and tried to keep them away. In less than a day that woman had managed to understand her more than anyone else in the world. No one else would ask her such a thing, and for no one else in the world would she answer as she was about to do. She had collapsed all of her self-defense in less than five minutes. Eva nodded slowly before replying "Yes, maybe it's better."

"I'll send you someone early tomorrow before the police arrive."

"Ok." Eva's voice was almost a whisper. It had all gotten a little too heavy to bear, and she didn't want to collapse in front of her. Jade seemed once again to understand that she needed to be alone because she smiled sweetly and turned to go away.

"Doctor Davies?"

Jade stopped.

_ I am lucky to have met you. _ "Thank you. Really."

She waited until she was completely out of the room before letting go of a huge sigh.


	7. Chapter 7

Twelve hours had passed since Jade had left Eva's room, but a part of her had remained there, sitting on that chair in the corner watching her sleep. The day had been terribly difficult to deal with, and it had also been the proverbial last straw after days that calling them difficult was an understatement. Seeing Eva breathe silently had calmed her. She was alive and would have been well, the proof that life does not only reserve misfortunes. It had been like being in a bubble, she had left all the burdens she had been carrying for days at the entrance of the room. Then Eva woke up and they started talking. The world had moved further and further away, and when she had visited her again it had completely turned upside down. For the first time she had touched her without gloves and had been overwhelmed by a sensation never experienced before, as if she felt the contact with that body with every tiny cell of hers. The result had been a short circuit in her brain, and almost in her heart as well. She had heard it rise and beat so hard that it seemed it wanted to get out of there. She had been drunk with that feeling until the next morning, so she had no way of thinking about it. She had done it for exactly two minutes while changing before the start of the shift, and it was more than enough to come to the conclusion that it was simply a reaction to Eva's beauty. Nothing more. Nothing to worry about, nothing to think about, nothing to talk about.

Luckily for her, she would not have to do rounds alone that morning. She entered the room with a crowd of nurses and students in tow, everything went smoothly like oil. She just had to concentrate on her job, which was to be her doctor. Eva was a patient like any other. Only a patient.

But it was a little difficult to do it if Eva continued to smile at her in that graceful and sweet way, completely disinterested in what the students were saying about her and her operation. She only seemed to notice when they told her she could get up and start walking. Her baby blue eyes managed to remain fixed on her interlocutor for a few moments, and then immediately returned to Jade. It was a continuous dance.

When the visit ended, Jade stayed behind telling the others to continue and wait for her in the next room. She waited to be alone with her, and when she looked back at Eva, the smile was even sweeter. She struggled to control the urge to swallow, but not to lick her lower lip. Her mouth suddenly felt dry. She spoke as if her brain was on autopilot. "Dr. Martin is waiting outside, he is with the Emergency Psychiatry department. Can I bring him in? "

Eva's smile faded, but she didn't seem sad or downcast, just undecided. Jade gave her time to reflect, but it didn't take her long to respond. "Yup."

Jade nodded and went to the peak in the hallway. When the doctor came in, she took advantage of the situation to give into the need to get away and take a breath of air. "I'll leave you alone."

She spent the rest of the morning doing her job. Or at least she had deluded herself, because at some point she realized that in one way or another she was always hanging around that room. Kylie had looked at her suspiciously after her fourth visit to the department's acceptance desk, presumably to do something on the computer, but in actuality to look at Eva from a distance. In three of those visits, Dr. Martin had not yet left. From the expression of the two it seemed that things were going well, Eva did not appear uncomfortable or tense. On the fourth visit, the situation was very different. The police were inside, and Jade had unconsciously frowned when she saw Eva wiping a tear.

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_ "What should I do with Mr. Thorpe?" _

Eva rubbed her eyes with one hand and sighed. Yet another message from her assistant in thirty seconds. When the concern over her condition had passed, requests for clarification from colleagues and nurses had begun to rain in. That was the problem with psychiatry. In the absence of the doctor in charge of following a patient, passing the information on to someone else was more difficult. Furthermore, much of the initial work required establishing a relationship of trust, which sometimes required a great deal of effort to be achieved. Breaking that relationship right at the height of the moment meant having to start all over again, with a consequent increase in recovery times. But there was no other choice, she could not have returned to work before ten days and some of her patients needed immediate intervention.

She began to reply by typing quickly while continuing to walk down the corridor, trying not to drop the cracker packet she was holding in her other hand.

It was six in the afternoon, Lucas had had to skip the visit for a work engagement so it had seemed like a great time to get her muscles moving again. She was walking around the hospital aimlessly, letting herself be guided by instinct. And from the areas forbidden to non-employees. She had visited the cafeteria and the canteen, then they told her that there was a botanical garden visible from the third floor so she had decided to go there. Although her gait was not exactly that of Usain Bolt she was confident of arriving before the sun went down to be able to see it. That was where she was headed when requests for help from work began. She had lifted her head from her cell phone from time to time to read for directions, trusting in her sense of orientation and multitasking.

She was finishing answering Mr. Thorpe, but when she raised her head for another quick check she was amazed to see a completely different environment around her than what she had left behind a few seconds earlier. Different colors, different furnishings. The suspicion of having gone the wrong way was too strong, so she decided to go back. She had gone a few feet when her brain caught something with peripheral vision and made her stop suddenly. She had just passed a door with a glass opening onto a stairwell. Instinct forced her to step back and take a look.

It was Jade.

She was sitting on the steps with her back against the wall. Her eyes were closed. She looked tired and disheartened. They hadn't seen each other for a day and a half. Eva had been told that the doctor had been busy with numerous urgent emergencies, so the last two visits had been made by an assistant. And in those thirty-six hours she had done nothing but think about Jade. She always looked towards the door, hoping to see her go by, even if only for a second. Lucas had started to suspect something and made fun of her, saying she looked like a teenager looking for attention from the head cheerleader. Reflecting on those words she had a moment when she scolded herself. It was absurd to have those reactions for someone she had known for only two days, who perhaps was straight - even if her gaydar was rarely wrong - who was not interested and above all who was her doctor. But the disappointment towards herself did not last long. She couldn't stop thinking about Jade, those incredibly beautiful eyes and those appetizing lips.

She had arrived in front of that door accompanied by all those conflicting thoughts, which continued to crowd in even while watching her through the glass, slowly chewing on a cracker. Then she saw the sign posted on the door.

_ Access denied. _

She looked at the sign, reading it letter by letter. A thousand questions, a thousand prohibitions, a thousand reasons overlapped in her head.

She looked at Jade again, and again at the sign.

Then she swallowed the cracker, and with it all the doubts.

_ To hell with it. _

She entered all of a sudden before being stopped by better judgment, startling Jade.

"Tactical break?" She kept a calm tone. She hoped that Jade would not notice that she had entered "psychiatric session" mode. She understood everything by looking at her for only two seconds, her posture spoke loud and clear. And when she saw someone in pain and needing help, she couldn't stop herself. Especially in that case, for a thousand reasons, some of which are not really interesting.

"What are you doing here?" Jade asked her with a surprised expression and standing up almost abruptly.

She smiled smartly and replied "I ignored the sign" pointing to the door behind her and putting another cracker in her mouth with an amused look.

Jade smiled back. "No, I mean ...  _ here _ ," she said, looking around.

"Actually I have no idea." She leaned on the railing. Jade was three steps higher, and from that perspective she was even more beautiful. "I was trying to get to the botanical garden but ... I must have been distracted," she added, showing the phone.

"It must have been something very interesting because you're in the wrong wing of the castle, Rapunzel"

Eva widened her eyes, surprised by the revelation and gave a small laugh for that absolutely unexpected nickname. She had a few seconds to reflect on the fact that probably a surgeon does not often use nicknames with a patient. "I'd say I'm okay with my daily physical activity." She climbed two steps and carefully began to sit without moving the sutures too much.

"Yes, and also for tomorrow." That reproaching tone she was using was really adorable. Jade moved to help her, and Eva smiled for having achieved her goal: to have Jade's hand in hers even if for a moment. It was as smooth and soft as she expected, and she had held it so gently that her heart seemed to burst into her chest. She missed the contact with her skin at the same instant that their hands parted. She was still trying to recover from those emotions when the phone vibrated several times.

"Family?" Jade asked, and in the meantime had remained standing and had moved a few steps down to come face to face.

"Family ... work ..." she replied absently, putting the phone in the pocket of the gray sweatshirt that Lucas had brought her.

"So you don't work at MHC?"

"I don't actually work in Boston either." Jade looked shocked for a moment. "Presbyterian of New York."

"Oh. Manhattan. "

"Yeah. Such a frenzy. "

"Don't you like New York?"

Eva responded, "Too big, too chaotic." Without realizing it, they had entered a confidence that is difficult to explain. "But for Psychiatry it’s top!" That comment made Jade laugh. The most beautiful sound Eva had ever heard in her life. "I have gained a lot of experience in 9 years. Oh, I hope I haven't offended any friends, relatives or anyone else you know in New York. "

"No, don't worry." She was still laughing, with dimples on full display.

Eva looked at her, enchanted by the beauty of her laughter and amused because she hadn't sat next to her, clearly intimidated by something. "What about Boston?"

"We are not at the level of New York obviously, in every sense. It is not perfect, but it’s very close to it. And then there is Fenway Park." she said with another smile.

_ And then there is you. _

Eva managed not to say it, using all her mental strength, or so she thought, but immediately afterwards she heard herself say "Then I absolutely have to come back here to see it." in the most bewitching tone she had ever used.

Jade was silent for a moment, destabilized by what she had just heard. "You have a follow up in two weeks."

"I'll take the chance." Finally she managed to stop and find a way to immediately change the subject before scaring her to death. "If I can get out of this maze."

Jade smiled at her "I'll walk with you."

Eva reached out again for help, satisfied with the success of her plan. Ever since she felt the warmth of Jade's hands on hers and the softness of her skin she couldn't think of anything else other than, I have to feel it again.

"Where are we?"

"ObGyn…"

Jade looked away, and the expression on her face sent strange signals to Eva. She wished she knew the cause of that torment. Seeing her in that state made her feel an urge to help her from the depths of her being. Jade was making every effort to hide her mood, but she was transparent to Eva. She had never known how to read a person so easily, and Eva began to suspect that it was not just experience. The only way to help her was to do it naturally, and judging from those first moments together it would have been very easy. "Are you lost too?" She wasn't sure Jade would understand the double meaning of that question, but her subconscious mind would do the job for her.

"It would be bad after three years of being here."

Jade was still a little tense and overshadowed, so Eva decided to take advantage of the course the conversation had taken to make her talk about something that certainly made her happy: her job. Hoping it wasn't the reason for that upset. "Didn't you study here?"

"No, Perelman"

"Why Trauma?"

"I've always been good at finding solutions in no time." Eva looked at her unconvinced. "And yes, during the internship I was blown away by the operations, the emergencies, the adrenaline..."

"In short, you will not get bored in Trauma."

"Boredom is the last problem." She smiled delicately, a sign that Eva's tactic was starting to work. She was forgetting her problems, her thoughts, or whatever it was that troubled her, and she immersed herself in that new relationship of confidence "Why psychiatry?" she asked.

Eva put her hand on her chest assuming a jokingly offended expression. "Emergency psychiatry please" Jade raised her hands in apology with a smile a little bigger than the previous one, and Eve's heart opened. “Until a few years ago, psychiatric diseases were not considered as emergencies in the event of trauma, accidents, violence. We only thought about the... physical side. Instead, invisible wounds are often the most difficult to heal, and helping in the early hours can make a big difference. " Jade listened in silence, seemed interested in the speech, but every now and then Eva saw her gaze go away and knew that in those moments her brain was returning to that sad place where she had found her a few minutes before. "And then I like to try to understand what's behind it." she automatically said. Jade turned to stare at her. "Behind the behaviors, the words, the silences." Eva looked her in the eyes for just a second. “The barriers, the looks, a yes or a no. To guess which wrong connections our mind makes when we react in a certain way to a stimulus, or to an event. " It was clearly a professional detour, but she had an uncontrollable urge to know what was blending in Jade's mind and how it worked.

"I've always wondered if psychologists are immune to mental delusions that affect us mere mortals."

“Insanity is relative. Who sets the norm? " It was a quote, and Jade understood it immediately.

"Morticia Addams?"

Eva laughed, and Jade's expression changed again. More relaxed and fascinated. "Bukowski. Morticia said 'Normality is an illusion, what is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.' "

"Ah, right. Are you tired? Do you want to sit down for a while? "

"No, all good. But I don't want to waste your time, I can find my way alone. I can always ask for information. " she stifled a laugh.

“I no longer trust your level of attention. I prefer to go with you. "

Eva was unable to stop her smile. Being with Jade made her feel complete. She was finally beginning to understand what that phrase everyone often said meant. As they walked along various corridors of the hospital she realized that the feeling she had felt in the previous days, as small as a microscopic star in a dark point of the sky, had grown exponentially in a single day and had become so strong that now nothing else mattered. No doubts, no questions, no hesitation. It was her, she had absolutely no doubts. She had no idea how it had been possible in a few hours nor how she would have achieved her goal, but she must have Jade in her life. During those minutes that went by with talks about anything, going from one topic to another as if they had known each other for years, she felt that Jade's defenses had definitely fallen, even if perhaps she hadn't noticed. She had seen those beautiful amber eyes more than once looking at her intensely, and each time she had to force herself to breathe normally because what she was telling her with those looks came deep into her body and squeezed her heart gently. There was no way to misunderstand.

They talked about the work, the university, the internship, diabolical jokes, ruinous conquests and strange proposals. The stories followed one after the other, and when they arrived in Traumatology they had now entered into a typical harmony of the first year students, enthusiastic about life and unaware of the tragedies.

"... ..and in the end he said "But I never told her" Eva concluded yet another story with her best thriller performance.

"Oh my God." Jade opened her eyes wide and for a moment Eva felt herself dying because she was suddenly hit by all the wonderful colors of her eyes.

"I swear to you on what I hold dearest."

"I can’t believe it."

"I'm still trying to figure out how he did it." They had arrived at the door of the room. Only one thing was missing to make that afternoon a turning point. "Here we are." She stopped before the door and turned to look at Jade with a smile. "I hope this chat was useful for clearing your mind and seeing things from another perspective." It had been a psychiatric session in disguise, and she waited for the message to arrive. Jade made a confused expression for a moment, and when Eva saw her face slowly become surprised, she understood that it had worked. "Thanks for joining me Flynn." she said, before quickly going into the room.

()()()()()()()()()()

Jade was standing in front of the door to Eva's room. Little more than twelve hours had passed since the last meeting with her and four days since she had arrived, and the feeling she was experiencing at that moment was of continuous deja vu. She felt as if the rest of her life was a distant dream and the only moments she remembered and were lucid were those with Eva. The previous afternoon's chat had been enlightening. She had just returned from a sudden and embarrassing encounter with Ellie. Gynecology had called Traumatology, which had called her. She could not refuse, it was her job. Furthermore, their last meeting had not been so disastrous, so she had nothing to fear. But when she found herself in front of her there was a moment of frostiness. It was clear that Ellie was not yet comfortable around her, and it was absolutely understandable. They had only talked about the case, looking at each other with great effort and only because it concerned a patient. For nothing in the world they would have put their problems ahead of work. In spite of all, those few minutes had brought her down again. The aftermath of what had happened between them had not disappeared and Jade had not yet forgiven herself for what she had done. She knew she was very strict with herself, a defect that many contested. She was returning to the ward trying to keep the agitation at bay one sigh at a time, but when she saw the door that led to the stairs she had deviated without thinking twice, almost attracted by an invisible force. Or rather, from the desire to be alone for a few minutes, to let everything go. She sat on the steps and closed her eyes, trying to focus on the silence and not on that part of her that kept telling her how bad, inadequate and weak she had been. One of the worst feelings of that period was the feeling of helplessness in the face of one's feelings and actions and above all that feeling of weakness, unable to bear even the slightest stress.

Eva's arrival had pulled her out of that whirlwind of emotions, like someone who comes to wake you from a nightmare. Without even realizing it, she had come out of that state of despair at the very moment they started talking. When she thought about those moments a few hours later she hadn't been able to explain what she had felt. It was as if Eva had taken her to a place she had never seen before, but where she felt perfectly herself, calm, serene, relaxed, almost a new but familiar person. She had the same feeling as when a loved one returns home after being away for years, during which changes had certainly happened due to various events. Here's how she felt: for a few minutes she found herself, after years of wandering in the unknown.

Then Eva had said that phrase before leaving, and everything had become clearer. She had probably seen her through the glass door and had started having a psychiatric session keeping a low profile. And she had been pretty damn good. Jade would remember her whole life all those wonderfully positive feelings that she had felt in those minutes. But this did not explain why every day she couldn’t wait for the time of the rounds to see her. As soon as that thought touched her mind, her body began to walk without asking permission, as if she was running away from something.

"Good morning." She was greeted by a sweetly luminous smile, and a cheerful 'good morning doctor'. Eva was sitting on the bed with her legs dangling, Lucas was in front of her to the right of the door. "Sorry I'm late, there was an emergency. How do you feel today?"

"Ready for a baseball game."

"I would say that yesterday afternoon's marathon is more than enough."

They hadn't stopped smiling at each other since they started talking. That sudden camaraderie was certainly due to the meeting the previous day "Let's see how the wounds are."

Eva lay down on the bed and Jade started checking her abdomen. What was supposed to be a routine check had gradually become their personal ritual. At first it was like trying a new drug for the first time, after three days they were both more relaxed. They exchanged a few glances. The mouth was not smiling, but the message was sent from their shining eyes. Jade took longer than usual to finish the visit. To be scrupulous, she said to herself.

"Perfect. No sign of infection. Anything to declare? "

"I have a case of whiskey in the trunk." Jade smiled at her. "No symptoms." Eva added with yet another smile.

Jade inhaled. Suddenly she needed air. "Well. Then we are ready to let you go." All the joy disappeared from Eva’s face. That expression destabilized her a little, so she walked away to the cabinet where she had put the folder down. “On this leaflet there are all the indications to manage the effects of laparoscopy. Do not lift weights, do not take a plane and do not exercise intensely before the next check. "

"Okay, coach." she replied seriously.

Jade handed her the sheet, but when Eva took it in her hand, she held it. Eva looked at her. "Little steps."

"I promise."

“The pain behind the shoulder is normal, it will pass. If you feel heat, burning, itching or if the redness around the wounds remains, call your doctor. Same thing for persistent fever, of course. You can wash the wounds, but be sure to dry them well without rubbing. The stitches will fall out by themselves. "

"Ok."

Silence fell for a few moments. Jade and Eva looked at each other from one side of the bed to the other with a sad and intense expression.

"Now I have to go." Jade finally said, almost whispering. "I have an urgent operation. They will come later to give you information, prescriptions and everything you need. "

"See you in two weeks then."

"Yes" The last smile they exchanged contained all the emotions they had both experienced in those four days. Then Jade turned to Lucas as if shaken by a dream, or as if she had suddenly remembered that he was also in the room. She greeted him.

"Thanks for taking care of my sister." Lucas squeezed her hand in his in a warm, firm grip.

"Have a safe journey home."

She went out. And didn’t look back at Eva.


End file.
